Ruth's Corner

Rewriting my Past

2010-09-30T03:57:00.000-07:00

Imagine that much of what has defined you the last 41 years of your life wasn't true. Imagine hearing for the first 16 years that the man who adopted you as an infant, "Doesn't love you. Doesn't want you. Signed away his rights to you." Over and over again this was told to me while growing up. I was also made privy to this man's short marriage to my mom and learned through her constant bitterness what a horrible man he had to be. Yet over and over again I was sent to this "horrible man's" home, every other weekend and two weeks out of the summer. FOR YEARS AND YEARS.
Can you even fathom the chaos within? I HATE divorce. If you are my friend you know that about me. And this very scenario is why. It was my life. I wasn't allowed to love said man yet was sent to his home and injected into his life.
I cannot begin to put into words how much I hated that part of my life growing up. None of it made sense and I walked around in a cloud of confusion and fear. I am, by nature, a people pleaser or rather someone who lives more comfortably in a peaceful environment. To this day I am like that. I yearn for constant peace and although life doesn't always allow that, I do strive for it and that is evident in my actions in my relationships.
I am wondering as I type this, am I conveying the angst in my heart that I lived with the first 16 years of my life? There is nothing quite like rejection. As children, well humans really, we just want to be loved. It's how we are created. So to this day, the adults who openly loved me during my childhood remain very special to me and I try to keep in touch with them. And they know who they are.
Once I was 16 however, and a bit more in control of my life, I decided to back away from this relationship with this man. It just seemed easier, less chaotic, and more peaceful. It was outwardly, I admit that. But over the years, as I grew into adulthood and became a parent, I started questioning my choice. Every so often I would pull that past relationship off the shelf and re-evaluate the possibility of its presence back in my life. It honestly never seemed possible. I couldn't fathom purposely walking back into that cloud of chaos. I never once considered how this man felt about me walking away. I felt like I was doing it to survive.
A great illustration in my mind, in my reality growing up is a tug of war. The horrible man on one side and my mom and new dad on the other, pulling for dear life. I just wanted to be loved. And I honestly just wanted to be allowed to love them all.
You should know, however, I do not allow myself to be a victim. I will never be one of those adults on a talk show talking about how my parents messed up my life. Also over the years, as I grew as a parent and wife, I began to understand that all parties involved loved me the best they knew how given the tools they had received from their parents and loved ones. I had made peace, or so I thought, with all relationships.
Two years ago, I was going through some papers, one being my birth certificate. And it hit me. HARD. I knew with all my heart it was a nudging from the Lord because there is no way in my own flesh I could've felt such sorrow. He was my legal father. Although I hadn't allowed him to be the dad of my heart, for the first time, questioned how my choice made him feel. I started praying because it would take a miracle for this to be.
Do you know my God? HA! He is so awesome and has loved me like nobody else on this earth, NOBODY. His unconditional love, His Word, is what has drawn me so tightly to Him over the years. He has filled in the gaps of what I had been missing and honestly, was allowed to become my Alpha Father. He is also a God of miracles. And a God of conviction to do right, to be pleasing to Him. I knew in my heart that at least praying about this relationship would please Him. I sure didn't know where to go from here because I had so much fear of this man but I knew my steps would be guided.
About a year or so ago I came across this man on Facebook. I left a short messae just confirming that it was him and although scared to death, I had PEACE. It took about another six months until I heard back from him and by then I had honestly re-shelved worrying about it. The first message already started new confusion but brought me such joy. The second and third message and on and on continued to confuse me. He was so kind to me. He sincerely seemed to be interested in my life and hearing about me. I was so untrusting that I came up with a very personal question that only he would know to make sure it was him because I had started to like this horrible man. I started looking forward to hearing from him and relished the joy in my heart knowing I was pleasing the Lord. But there was no turning back. I knew I was doing the right thing...by slowly and surely getting to know him for who he was. Not for who others said he was.
There was and honestly still is trepidation at others knowing he is back in my life. Remember I'm a peacemaker and I assume this will upset people who were told the same things I was and who have the same perception I had all those years. But this is why I love the Lord. He won't let me be. Truth ALWAYS prevails and that is what is happening here. What I love is that the truth is being set free without the tug of war.
I got to meet my dad during my trip to Ohio last week for the first time in almost 25 years. I had prayed about it first, asking the Lord if it was time. I received peace and called him once I got to Ohio. Imagine my surprise when he returned my call and was so excited to see me. I'm still trying to digest his love for me. Slowly but surely, however, the truth is rewriting who I am. Our time together was so precious. He smiled a lot. A LOT. For the three hours we were togther, his eyes were rarely without tears and sometimes they fell on his face. I was a myriad of emotions. I was scared. I was excited. I was relieved. I was at peace. And found out, through this time, that I was loved. He DID want me. He DID love me. In his heart, all these years, I was his daughter. It broke his heart to not have me in his life and he didn't know what to do about it. He had tried to find me and was roadblocked. And finally, around 2002, walked away from any effort.
So now I'm digesting the truth and setting any possible anger aside. I am reaching out for the love and most important, the truth. I am doing what I believe is the right thing. I am NOT trying to replace my dad I lost to cancer 8 years ago. That is a totally different relationship that I pridefully hold close to my heart because he openly loved me and before he left this earth, made things right with me as well.
As I move ahead, I look forward to getting to know my dad for who he is. I'll never forget sitting in front of him, a broken man with regrets but also sadness at not having had his children in his life the last 20 years. He hates it. And as a parent, I cannot fathom what was done to him. As a daughter, however, I have every intention of doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord and embracing the truth.

What about that Grace?

2010-09-18T04:45:00.000-07:00

Grace.
I remember when I first became a believer at the age of 24 that it was a common new word in my vocabulary. I remember it being mentioned often in sermons and in Sunday School lessons. And as my relationship with the Lord grew, I caught a small glimpse of what His grace exactly is. I remember the moment "I got it". Ha! Don't misunderstand. I've not "arrived" by any means and never expect to. But I do remember the lightbulb going on concerning exactly what THE gift was that the Lord gave to me. It was an overwhelming understanding of His death on the cross IN MY PLACE. It took my breath away!
Grace.
I do know that oftentimes we can take it for granted. I do know that because we hear the word so often in songs and in preaching, we may skim over it as we listen or sing.
Then life as you know it crumbles around you. You lay in a heap on the floor, unable to breathe, unable to see past your own pain. The spraypaint of someone's sin made you the bull's eye. Blurry vision. Engulfing darkness. The most crippling pain you know in your lifetime. Although it feels as if it goes on forever, it can't.
Grace.
It can't go on. Not when Grace has stepped before you. Grace is the extended hand of God that pulls you up. That breathes new life into you. That gives you a new vision. That turns bad into good. It is the very gift that turns every scripture and promise of God into reality.
Grace is real now. I will never be able to skim past it again. It has been my lifeline to survival. I describe Grace as a bridge to the impossible. There are many moments in our humanity that are greater than we are but God says, "with me all things are possible".
Grace. I give thanks for it daily. Often throughout my days because there are many moments within that seem impossible. Impossible to do right. Impossible to move forward. Impossible to be Christ-like. Impossible to be who He created me to be.
But for Grace. As I slowly but most assuredly one step at a time, move out of this valley onto the mountaintop, I will soak in every moment of grace I am reminded whether through song or hymn or scripture. Through victories shared in other's lives. It may be the smile of another or a hug or a note. In whatever avenue the Lord God chooses to reveal His grace to me, I will stand here with open arms, not only ready to receive it, but recognizing my NEED to receive it.
Life is just too hard. I give up. I cannot do this on my own.

A New Attitude

2010-04-14T03:54:00.001-07:00

I have a confession to make. It's not that I don't value life and hold it dear. It's not that I'm not compassionate with my patients. But I wasn't always sad when someone of an older age slipped away into eternity, especially when I knew where their eternity was.

Yesterday my whole world has changed and now I get it. I get why family members are devastated, even if the patient is in their 90's. I'm thinking, "this patient has had a long life". The family is thinking, "they ARE my life". I'm thinking, "they will no longer have to suffer their physical ailments". The family is thinking, "what am I going to do without them here? My heart hurts so much!".

In my heart, for years, I've always treasured that my Grandpa has lived into his late 80's and I can tell you I do NOT take that for granted. I thank the Lord for that man all the time because I love him SO MUCH. He helped to raise me. Much of who I am today is because of what he taught me. I have a lot of his personality. He is sincerely and truly one of the nicest people I know. And love me. Oh my does that man love me. I never once doubted, throughout my entire childhood that he loved me. EVER. And in my head, I know that life comes to an end. I'm a nurse for crying out loud. I KNOW.

Has your heart ever been run over by a mack truck? Ok, so yesterday, mine hurt so much that it was hard to breathe. Literally. It became apparent to my heart that my Grandpa has turned a terrible cross road that he may or may not be able to turn back on. He made some stubborn choices health wise that has put him in the hospital and the next step must be a nursing home, at least for awhile. The nursing home is actually a rehab center and I've seen them do a good job with people but this is MY Grandpa. I want it to be temporary. I want him to come home. But I'm a nurse and I know this may or may not happen. I know that when he goes there, calling him is almost impossible. He uses a speaker phone at home, otherwise he cannot hear. I can write but I'm not sure how well he sees. All of this is causing tears again. He is almost 89 years old. He's lived a long life, right? But he's MY GRANDPA.

The Grandpa who used to sit me on his lap and I called him Poppy. Together we solved all of the world's problems. The same Grandpa who fixed me a bowl of ice cream every single night of my life that I stayed in his home. The Grandpa who never let me walk home from school and faithfully, no matter what time of the day or night, would wait outside the band room door to pick me up. Grandpa, the man who made sure I had shoes that didn't have holes in them and a new Easter dress. Grandpa, the man who surprised me with my first bike. Grandpa, who knows no stranger and is one of the sweetest men on this planet. Grandpa who bought me my first tape recorder and saved it as the last present the Christmas of my third grade year. Grandpa who proudly introduced me to anyone willing to meet me as his granddaughter, "Wendy Jayne". As I grew into an adult, and had children, Grandpa always made sure he took us out to eat at his favorite restaurant to meet his favorite waitresses. Grandpa who made sure MY boys had the same ice cream when we stayed with him. The list of who he is to me is endless. As the years have gone on and I'm forty now and my children are young adults, he remains a part of my life daily; through my memories, and through my walk in life. I talk to him on the phone a couple of times a month because he lives 20 driving hours away. He's been there since I took my first breath and I've never known my life without him. I cannot put into words how profound his presence in my life has been. I've tried to let him know how much I love and appreciate him over the years. I've even received persecution from family because he loved me so much.

So now I get it. That 91 year old who is coming in for a stomach surgery to hopefully save his life is someone's daddy or grandaddy or friend. The 88 year old chemo patient is someone's Grandma or Mama or wife. They have also mattered to someone over the entire course of their life. Someone is crying over them and are thankful for them. I sincerely, to the bottom of my heart, get that now. It has changed me and who I am as a nurse. I have new eyes and a new heart to care for my geriatric patients that I already loved anyway. Now I've learned to love them through their family's eyes as well.

My heart is reconciling what my head has known for years but oh my does it hurt. I have sobbed and cried and wailed. Others see me as someone strong but what others often don't know is how deeply I love. Of course only the Lord knows what my Grandpa's future holds. For now I will wait and pray and pray and pray. I will also make sure that none of this is in vain and will allow it to alter who I am. Much like my Grandpa has been doing my whole life.

What's on my mind and heart

2010-03-27T05:02:00.000-07:00

With the healthcare reform passing through this week, I've been a bit overwhelmed. I've found myself tempted to just walk away because none of this is a surprise and our country, in its moral downfall, deserves anything we reap. But God's Word NEVER gives me permission to be apathetic. As tempting as it is to just "go with the flow"....that is certainly NOT the example our Jesus gave to us. Jesus never went with the "status quo"..NEVER. However, He was all about His Father's business. THAT is what is on my heart today.

Recently I was made aware of some really terrible behavior from a family we looked to for Christian growth a few years ago. OF COURSE it bothered me. It hurt. I cried. But I started to think highminded of ME and quickly the Holy Spirit knocked me right back to where I belong. I'm thankful to say the highmindedness lasts less than a second now. I've been learning how little I am compared to our Holy God. I'm a mere human, a sheep that is not very smart...that this Holy God allows to be used by Him in spite of my own terrible behavior. Because in reality, I have plenty of my own that would disappoint those who look up to us. Oftentimes, however, this disappointing behavior becomes an excuse to walk away from our amazing God. This is something I'm extremely prayerful about....at times I have felt the temptation. It does "seem" like it would be easier to hole up in our house and do nothing...feel nothing...and deal with nothing...but if you have any type of relationship with the Lord...if you are in His Word for even a second a day....the Holy Spirit would never let that happen for long. About six months ago, I remember a crossroads in my life...a moment of commitment. A moment of, "He's worth it all, no matter what". No matter how others disappoint me. No matter how much I am hurt by others as I try to lead them. HE IS WORTH IT ALL. There will never be a time in my life that I can do what Jesus did for me. He willingly laid His very life down for me. FOR ME. The one with the bad behavior! Regardless of my emotions. I will contend for the faith. I will contend for the Only thing that matters.
For whatever reason, the Lord is allowing people to cross my path who have chosen to walk away. As an emotional female, it is tempting to hear their stories of "woe" and tell them certainly the Lord understands your decision to walk away from the church. To stop reading your Bible. To stop trying to live Holy and instead take advantage of His grace. It is TEMPTING BUT WRONG. When my emotions are tempted to fail me, I have to delve into God's Word to do and say what is right. I have to encourage others that no matter what man has failed you...it is never ever ok to walk away. That is not in His Word anywhere. Our emotions alone are not sinful...God created us with emotions but our actions that come from those emotions are where we need to guard ourselves. I think sometimes people must think I'm robotic but if they only knew how hard it is to not fall away just like they have. I'm not sadistic by nature. I don't enjoy the persecution that comes with loving the Lord. I don't enjoy the lies and the gossip. I don't enjoy the rudeness to my face. It hurts and I think I'm ultra sensitive and it often can stay with me for weeks. I think at times it may be the stronghold the devil uses to try to cripple me. But my SWORD is stronger. And I keep it in the forefront of my heart and mind.

As I watch my country continue to spiral downward with the heaviest of hearts...I will continue to cling to my Savior. To try to make a difference one soul at a time. To pray for the heads of my government that with some hope they will hear the Truth and serve through it. And always always remember, on the worst and disheartening of days, HE IS WORTH IT.

Grace everywhere

2010-03-20T04:53:00.000-07:00

Almost weekly, our pastor gives us a chance to stand up and give testimony of "something God has done in your life this week". I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is not to stand there ALL NIGHT and testify of His goodness to me! There isn't a second in my life that the Lord isn't doing something through us, to us, for us, etc. He blesses me so much and my family so much that it's embarassing because I know my heart. I know how wicked I am. But His grace. Ohhhh His grace. It's something we've sang about for years...read about commonly because the word is everywhere but only recently am I starting to get a beginner's grasp on it.

You know those moments in your life that you look back on and think, "wow! How did I get through THAT?".
Grace
When you've shared the Gospel with someone who then decides they cannot deal with your life in the Lord and turn their back on your friendship after 30 years and you can turn to the next person and give the Gospel?
Grace.
That moment when you have someone angry or upset at you and are humiliating you and you are able to keep your mouth shut?
Grace
When your child sins against God and you want to pelt him but instead get on your knees to find out what the Lord would have you do?
Grace
The days your spouse is a little off and may say something that hurts your feelings and you feel like running away but don't?
Grace
Those days at work that should overwhelm you but you are able to stay calm and collected? Grace
That lady at church that loves to share her opinion with you about everything and you keep smiling because your opinion comes from the Holy Spirit?
Grace
You have more bills than money this month but you do not fret. You know God's Word tells us to trust Him. To NOT fear. And you do trust and you don't fear.
Grace.
And one of my daily favs: you sin against God yourself...it's not even about what has been done to you but what you have done to God...in your heart...with your tongue...in your actions....yet when you turn around, He continues to bless you!
GRACE!!!!! GRACE!!!! WONDERFUL GRACE!!!!

If I had one wish...one sincere to my core heart's desire, it would be for every human I know to have this kind of a relationship with the Savior. I'm nothing special but He loves me in a way that says otherwise. But He doesn't stop at me! He died for the whole world! This kind of life is available to everyone!

Grace, it's just that simple.

A New Point of View

2010-02-04T15:35:00.001-08:00

I have been chomping at the bit to write about the last week of my life. I am a myriad of emotions, still. Thrilled to have electricity finally but realizing my happiness does not lie in something I do not NEED. Agitated at myself because I am so aware of my time now and how I spent it WASTED on the computer! Joyful that the Lord provided for our family in so many ways as well as protected us. And slightly mournful at the loss of so much wonderful family time that was like a dream come true for me. Honestly.
Last Wednesday, the weather was a balmy 70 degrees here in SW Oklahoma. NOBODY believed the weather forecast that the next day was to bring treacherous weather. I recall my husband slightly scoffing at the predictions. However, I have learned over the years to be slightly prepared. SLIGHTLY. That meant being aware of the half tank of gas in our tank. Picking up some bread and milk and taking inventory of my freezer. When we went to bed Wednesday night...it was warm!
And the weather mocked us the next a.m. We woke up to freezing rain, more rain at the time but as the day progressed, I saw a storm I had never seen in my life. EVER. (and I'm from the north so not much about winter shocks me) I stayed in denial for a good portion of the day procrastinating about online bill pay issues believing that I would get to it later. I spent it reading and picking up but not much else. Not even online believing I would get on later. Thursday evening, we found ourselves without power. This was after watching tree after tree snap apart limb by limb. Loud snaps could be heard hundreds of feet away. Still in denial, I hunkered down for the night believing power would be restored through the night. I was so wrong. Waking up to complete darkness, not just in my home but also looking out my door and seeing nothing town-wide choked me up. I didn't like it. I HATE darkness as a matter of fact. I sat in my den staring at the window waiting for the light to come through.--for a good hour. At around 7ish, I saw a light and actually cried. I was so grateful to know that regardless of the power situation, we would have daylight.
You should know that I talked to God about this a lot. I know how much He loves me and believed with all my heart that restoring my power was important to Him because I asked. I still believe that but wasn't prepared for what I discovered the next day as I slowly and stupidly drove through town. Devastation. Wastelands is the word my son used. And the roads were clear and dry. I don't believe a tree was left untouched. Power lines everywhere were down, and entire poles were toppled over as well. Cars were crushed. Roofs caved in. I just took it in in wonderment at the power of God and how little control we really have.
On Saturday, I was on call for the OR but believed I would not get called. I was snapped back to reality when we got an emergent case where an airway was compromised. Not only was I dealing with this situation, I was dealing with what was going on around us outside. The OR nurses confessed to feeling a little out of sorts but were able to be part of a team that saved this life. It was never far from the back of our mind, however, at the situation around us affecting every person in our town. Looking out the hospital windows was overwhelming. There was no end in sight.
I mentioned that I talked to the Lord about this often throughout. One of my heart's desire was for our family to maintain a spirit of gratitude and thankfulness. I wanted our hearts to rejoice in something far more important than not having electricity and that was what the Lord was providing for us. I rejoiced at hearing my husband and son give thanks out loud when they looked around and saw the gas fireplace and felt warmth, or saw the tree limb next to the cars, not on them, as they ate warm food that was cooked by my husband. I also desired to have the Lord's eyes for this situation...a tool to reach others and show His love. I also recognized that this was one of the hardest times of my life to give when I felt almost in survival mode. I asked Him to just open the doors for me and kick me through them, otherwise I would hole up in my security blanket of my home.
Friday evening I got to volunteer as a nurse at the local shelter. All I did was help run a first aid station but it also got me into the community to see all that we did have. I started praying for the crews who were fixing the power lines. I prayed for opportunities to share God's goodness. And I prayed for HIS strength to maintain a smile for those around me, to include my sweet husband and teenage son.
After my long day in the OR, thankfully I was so physically exhausted, I almost just passed out on the couch to wake up the next morning to more darkness. This time I didn't cry. I rejoiced because my family was going to get to go to church. No, there wasn't electricity and no there wasn't heat but we didn't care. Going to church is who we are and it felt so good to have a piece of normal in our lives for even just an hour. Everyone was dressed like everyone else in town. Cold and bundled up! The preaching was PHENOMENAL. It was a sweet tender reminder to give thanks in ALL things. Many people gave testimonies of the goodness of God. I left with tears in my eyes. People were smiling and genuinely happy to be there. Since there would be no power at church nor night church, we were on the lookout for a place to do laundry. Just one load. But we were quickly reminded how far the devastation went. Thankfully we have friends in a town about 30 minutes away who had generator power and offerred us the use of their washer/dryer. Fortunately, everyone piled in the car with me and we got to spend the afternoon fellowshipping with one of our favorite families from church while playing games, talking, baking cookies and passing a newborn babe around. I left there so uplifted.
Monday came in total darkness but it was no longer a surprise. I got ready to head to the hospital and didn't know where I would be working, just that I would be helping somewhere. The drive in total darkness was eerie, I will admit. At times I wasn't sure where I was. I got to help in ICU and spent twelve hours watching three families focus on their family members on ventilators. My attention was totally diverted for the day to the lives and families of others. I did miss the daylight and headed home after dark. My precious husband had spent the day cleaning what he could and making dinner for me on the grill. I cried as I realized what God had given us through this horrible trial. He was so good to me. I often have to remind Him who I am...what a horrible person I am on the inside....all the while knowing His grace is sufficient and that is why I am so loved.
Tuesday was my husband's birthday and I felt sad that much of it would be overlooked. After much contemplation, we decided to head to a town two hours away to do laundry and visit with our son and girlfriend during dinner for my husband's birthday. We were both surprised and a bit emotional that in spite of the heated room, the televison, internet and lights, we both just wanted to be at home. We realized then we did not NEED electricity. We had all we need. We have a loving Savior Who gave ALL for me! for ME! I never went without food or water. We had a solid sturdy home to sleep in and two cars that were working. We had money in our account and was able to get anything we needed. And sitting in church on Sunday, we have been given a wonderful pastor who preaches TRUTH.
By Wednesday, although getting power was never far from anyone's mind, it wasn't close to my heart. I continued to have a peace that passeth all understanding that I knew was a gift from the Lord. I had the Holy Spirit Who directed my thoughts and actions. I was still able to read God's Word every day and God was never more than a breath away. I never considered He was sick of me, rather how much I enjoyed the closer fellowship as I needed HIS strength to calm my flesh down. Word started spreading that the power was coming on section by section in our town. I was so happy for those families! Many had no heat, no water, no lights, NOTHING. I was embarrassed at God's goodness to us. Not embarrassed about HIM but about me..a no good sinner.
Then came the unexpected grief that I am struggling with even now. Getting my electricity back would mean no more entire days with my family in the same room or two. The busyness of our lives would be sure to return. Jobs would have to be attended to. (jobs we are so very grateful for) School would be back in session. Church will be in full swing. I love every aspect of our lives but I will confess. This last week was a dream for me. I spent more time with my family than I have in years. We played games together, we read books in the same room and discussed them. We shared dinner every day together in the same room at the same time. It was a wonderful time of respite and renewal.
So Lord, THANK YOU. Thank you for giving us this precious time together that I never want to forget. I want to learn from this the important aspects of life and give only a small amount of my attention to what I realize doesn't matter much at all.

Our Moment on the Mountain

2009-09-14T02:33:00.000-07:00

We have had some exciting events take place in our home the last few weeks. Moments that are jaw dropping to say the least but isn't that just like our Lord?
If there was another title for this, it would be, "There are no words". No words to describe how grateful we are, how excited we are, how honored we are, how humbled we are at HIS perfect plans for us. And it's difficult to describe the angst in our heart just a little over a year ago. We tried to keep it to ourselves because we wanted to be a good testimony to those around us but we literally cried...a few times...when the Lord made it apparent our plans were not HIS. We were sincere in our efforts to do what we believed He was leading us to do....but He said NO. We submitted.
In the fall of 2007, we found out we HAD to get orders. (I'll always remember the pale look on my husband's face when he came home that day and I forced him to tell me what was wrong.) My poor husband tried every which way to get out of that and the Lord kept closing the doors. It was a time of chaos for us because I was in the middle of RN school and Tommy in college here in town. Sooo, since we knew we HAD to leave Altus, we put in to be transferred back to McGuire AFB, NJ. We did that with peace in our hearts after much prayer. Honestly, it's where a huge part of our hearts are. A "first love" type of place. The people there know everything about us..the good and the bad...and love us anyway. The church is based on sound doctrine. We soon became thrilled at the prospect of returning "home". (please note that we were NOT unhappy in OK...we were just trying to be accepting of our future)
In the spring of 2008, we took a trip to NJ to find a place for my mom to live and a possible home for us. It was so nice to reunite with so many people who love us. I never quite get over people truly loving me...I am so unlovable. Seriously. But after our trip, we started to feel unsettled in our Spirit. There was a bit of a battle going on inside because we truly did want to do what the Lord wanted us to do but we LOVE our church and church family in NJ and my Jewish godchildren are there as well. It was so difficult but I just prayed and stayed quiet. The Lord gave me liberty to speak my heart to my husband once.
Spring of 2008 was also a time when Tom had just had his 5th knee surgery and he was having horrible trouble with his back. The Air Force medical personnel were not as focused on fixing it as they were getting him back in the jet. I praise the Lord that in spite of this, we were referred to a neurologist in TX. Tom wasn't having just back pain, he was also having fire shoot down his legs and at one point, was having trouble walking up stairs. His physical therapy was not helping him come back like it always had in the past and his neurologist was concerned. After a very painful test, we were given the shock of our lives.....my husband had CIDP. I actually knew what it was because I had given many IV infusions to a lady here in town with the same thing. The news threw everything into slow motion for the next 2 to 3 days. It was like walking in a tunnel. I can hear the door to NJ slowly slam in our faces. More tears. We knew without a shadow of a doubt that we would not be leaving OK. There were times I wanted to scream because I didn't want to leave in the first place, then I accepted that we were going back to NJ and here we were again with our plans changing once more. Let me tell you, we wore our knees out making sure we were hearing HIM right! Tom had also made Master Sergeant...his career goal and a difficult one for him. I had also just gotten my RN and I was so excited about the idea of working my 'dream job" in a heart hospital near the base in NJ. Financially, we were going to be in a place we had only ever dreamt about and never saw coming. But the Lord said, "NO". And we were certain we heard him right. So the wheels were set in motion for Tom to put in for retirement and for us to stay here. Emotionally, we struggled at times but spiritually, we walked in faith, trusting Him and His perfect plans. Yes, seriously. There was such a peace in our decision to put it all down and walk away. The Lord made it clear our home was here in OK still.
Here we were, December of 2008 and at my husband's retirement ceremony without a job prospect in place. We just laughed because to the world we must have seemed ridiculous but we weren't worried. Around the time of his actual retirement date, we got news from the VA that we would receive as much financially as we were receiving when Tom was active duty. That was a blessing and relief because we still had the home we believed the Lord gave us peace to buy....and teenage boys to raise. We were joyful then because our needs would continue to be met...OF COURSE.
(As a side note, a year and a half ago, as we were going to retile our bathroom, a 10 year + plumbing mess appearred before our eyes. Not just one but two bathrooms were in a state of ruin because the prior owners hid a horrible leak from us. It would costs thousands of dollars to fix. We didn't have it. So we both started praying for the Lord to direct us in fixing the bathrooms, keeping in mind my husband had trouble walking at times, let alone fixing a bathroom. HA! Was I ever taught patience! )
August of 2009 my husband receives a phone call from his old workplace on base. They had all spoken up and recommended him for a job with a company that was in contract with the Air Force. After reading the job description, it was like reading a job made just for my husband. It was a "dream job" a "no way would this ever happen to me" kind of job. A "we can fix our bathrooms if I get this job" kind of job. A "we can pay for Tommy's tuition" kind of job. A "Wendy doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to" kind of job. On and on and on. The closer we got to it being a possibility, the more on our knees we went because we have a huge responsibility to be good stewards. The Lord had been dealing with us greatly over the last year about giving in the church. We both see this as all tied together...just one more avenue of the Lord's faithfulness to His promises. We are flesh and we have concerns and we both struggled with the dreaming....with setting plans in motion before ever getting the job. I just kept grinning because I knew, I KNEW the Lord had a different plan for us...one that would not make sense in this falling economy...in this poor area of the country....I knew that whatever He did would stand out because it would be a miracle. Literally.
Tom got the job. We found out last Friday. And the tears, oh the tears. I'm tearing up just typing this because I cannot believe the Lord would give us something so good. That's not to say He isnt' a good God..he is a wonderful Lord...but we are Tom and Wendy....the goofs that never seem to have it together...the sinners who deserve death...the couple who argue at times and have bad attitudes about things. We just don't deserve this good deal. But that's just how it works with the Lord. HE is faithful. He keeps His promises. His peace is real and we experienced that. And His mercies are new every morning. This is our new morning and we want to shout on the rooftops to not only hear His Word but heed it...to stay on your knees and wait. His ways are so much better than our ways. If we had ignored the Holy Spirit over a year ago, my husband could and probably would be in a wheelchair. There would be no opportunity to work but just survive in pain. I cannot fathom....
Please praise the Lord with us over this and pray for us. We want to always and continually stay in His will. Yes, we have plumbing needs, a child in college, and a child driving....debts we were feel convicted about, but we also have missionaries around the world and a church in the middle of a remodeling project and we want HIS direction, not our lusts directing us anywhere.
We are so very thankful for this moment on the mountain.

How do I describe it?

2009-06-25T04:13:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday evening, just as the services were starting, my son brings the church phone to me and says, "it's about Ashley, she's been in an accident". I take the phone and on the other end is a female voice telling me Ashley and Aiyana have been in an accident and are asking for me. After getting the details and getting the keys from my hubby, I was off to the hospital. I wish I could tell you I'm calm cool and collected but I wasn't. Not that night. My body was shaking and I was choking back tears and talking to the Lord all at once. I recognized pretty quickly that I would be no good to anybody if I didn't calm down. I've recognized for a couple of years that my ministry stretches far past my discipleship student to her very extended family. I'll be honest though, I was scared out of my mind. That is not meant to take anything from the Lord because I knew and Ashley knows that the Lord's plans for us are perfect and are for GOOD.

As I was shaking and trying to drive, I kept asking the Lord, "how do I describe this to others?". How do I tell others what Ashley and Aiyana mean to me? I'm not blood related and to our society that means everything. But I love them. SO MUCH.

Two years ago, the pastor sent my husband and me to a couple where the wife had just gotten saved. They were very newly married. It was like looking in a mirror only 18 years prior. Over the last two years, I've shared so many moments with this young lady. Hard moments. Terrible moments. Joyous moments. And through it all, I've watched the Lord build her faith. I've been given the privilege to teach her God's Word on a weekly basis, to answer her many questions about the Bible, to take her by the hand and teach her how to serve the Lord and raise Aiyana in a godly home. I've watched her become a prayer warrior and see miracle after miracle! I've watched her struggle through her husband leaving her while she was still pregnant and not have anything to do with her for months yet the Lord provided everything for her! I've sat by her side while she was in labor, held her hand in prayer, cried over her when her body went into pre-eclampsia post partum while sitting next to her bed at midnight, was one of the first to see Aiyana in the c-section, prayed and prayed and prayed for her, took picture after picture of my sweet baby girl, eaten many meals with her at church, etc. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I love them both so much.

I realized there are no words really. Nothing anyone outside of our relationship can understand. I just had to trust the Lord to get me to her side. When I arrived to the hospital, her mom and sister were there and understandably so, very distraught. I wanted to cry with them but I knew they needed someone to be strong, to speak soothing words, to show HIS LIGHT. When the ambulance pulled up, we stood back and waited and watched. It was AWFUL. Baby girl got out and was fine and then the tears started to come. We made sure Grandma took her. Then came Ashley out of the ambulance in a neck immobilizer. In a moment of strength, I professionally let them know I was an RN at this hospital and all the sudden, they were giving ME the report on her and that she would be ok!! I held her hand and kissed it and reminded her the whole church was praying for her. It was heartwrenching to watch her cry and be so scared. I wanted to drop to my knees at that moment, on the sidewalk, to praise the Lord!

It helped so much knowing Aiyana was ok but it really was so hard waiting to find out how Ashley was doing. Soon Grandma came out with Aiyana and I got to hold her in my arms. She was smiling and playing with my necklace, just an hour after rolling 3 times in her mama's car. It started to occur to me that Ashley's mom knows. She knows I love her daughter and I love them. She took me back to Ashley's side as soon as she could and I did not leave. I was so thankful for that gift. I could see her with my own eyes and listen to the care she was being given.

After the xray and CT reports came back negative there was much rejoicing in her room. Her mom reached out her hand to me and asked me to lead them in prayer. WOW. Just a year ago, it was so different. And then after praying, it occurred to me, it doesn't matter if others don't understand my heart for those two girls, the Lord knows and He's in control. I should've never worried about being by her side because He's never let me down.

Give.

2009-05-04T03:08:00.000-07:00

This weekend, from Friday through Sunday, we had a Stewardship Conference with Dr. JC House as the preacher. I had never attended anything like this and was so excited to be there. Friday night, we learned out of II Cor. 9 and how it is spelled out, God loves a cheerful giver. Nowhere else in the Bible does it say He loves a soul winner, He loves a church goer....but it does say He loves a cheerful giver. He reminded us that the spirit is willing but we are not in our right mind. It is our MIND we have to change with all its excuses and reasons why NOT to give. We learned that tithing is what we owe but giving is the seed we sow. In spite of having worked a 12 hour shift on Friday, my brain did grasp SOMETHING!
There was something on Saturday morning but I had to work in the OR. Tom said it was GREAT. Saturday night, we continued to learn out of II Cor 9. It was short and sweet and he continued. We were reminded of our perverted perception of Bible giving and Dr. House confessed that he also had the same views once upon a time. According to II Cor 9:7, we are not to give out of necessity nor grudgingly. We were reminded God owns everything. Psalm 24:1. We give because we love God! I believe the most powerful statement made of the night was there is nothing you can do to make God love you less and there is nothing you can do to make God love you more. There is no other reason to give but loving him. OH YES, and he taught us (reminded us) that we are born takers. Nobody has to teach us to take anything but from the moment we are born again, Jesus spends so much time trying to change our thinking and our hearts with His Word.
Sunday morning was a continuance and was still phenomenal. We are takers in everything, in our marriages, in our jobs, in our church relationship, in our relationship with the Lord, on and on. If we are not happy with the way a relationship is going, examine your actions and change them. If you want respect in your marriage, give it! If you want to be loved, love first! GIVE.
I think the favorite part of the whole conference was being reminded that with every command, God gives a promise. And since God doesn't lie, we can count on it!
What does all this mean for me? Tom and I are the poster children of His promises. Luke 6:38 commands us to give and it shall be given unto you. It's true. We are so bountifully blessed it is almost embarrassing because I know my heart and I know how wretched I am. Yet the Lord continues to bless us. So what are Tom and I to do as He blesses us? Continue to give. As the Lord gives us more, we are in turn, to give back more. That doesn't mean to not enjoy our hobbies or "things" but as He blesses us, we are to be mindful of that and make giving a priority.
I was taught so much this weekend that so many men are afraid to expound on in their services and that is foolish!! I'm thankful for a man of God who desires us to be blessed in all the ways the Lord has for us and isn't afraid to preach Truth to us. Truth is what changes lives.

A new perspective on missions

2009-03-08T14:40:00.001-07:00

I know that I'm guilty of enjoying the missionaries who serve overseas and learning about their culture and the souls they are there to serve. I love praying for them and the specifics to their country they live in.

This year was different for our church. Last Wednesday (10 days ago), we had four missionary families join us for our annual missions conference. Two families were prison ministries to the USA, a third was a church planter to Philadelphia and fourth was a nurse who was going to work in a church run clinic in West Africa. I love my church so I hope this doesn't sound as strong as it may...but when I got home that night and was praying for the message that was given me...I also began a conversation with the Lord about my disappointment in there not being more overseas missionaries this year. In the next breath, however...I told the Lord I trusted my pastor and I know he prays and I know the Lord has a purpose in this different direction we were going. So at that point, I opened my heart to whatever was to come my way that week.

WOW! There are no words to describe how this week changed my life. First, on Thursday, pastor announced that he feels a strong need for us to get back to America...to tell others about Jesus there first so then those who are told and are saved can then go out. The statistics about missionaries returning home are staggering and a bit discouraging. He is so right though and hit the nail on the head! What is the point in going overseas if we are not telling people in our local areas.

If there was a theme of the weekend it would be "remembering the lost and forgotten". The Gilligans and Elgueras are missionaries to the prisons and do they have awesome ministries! Not only do they go into the jails and prisons, they also disciple the men after they are released and are a type of bridge back into the world. The third missionaries, the ones we seemed to feel a kindred spirit with were the Gates family to Philadelphia. They are prayerfully going into the inner cities of Philadelphia to start a church. We are actually planning on going that direction to help him once they get established. When those three men preached, it was a reminder of our commandment to go ye into all the world and preach the gospel..but first to our home town! Then our state. Then our country. Then the rest of the world! Becky Pope, RN, presented her field through slide shows of West Africa and the clinic her church has started over there to reach the lost.

I didn't want it to end. The theme of our church this year is "For the Faith". I love seeing the hand of God in the hearts of praying men who have never met one another until last weekend. I was reminded through the preaching that we get to beseech the GOD OF HEAVEN. Do you hear those words? (they are in Numbers) Yet in the same message, we are reminded also that the Holy things of God are becoming common to men. OUCH. I was reminded of the importance of remembering those around me and doing it in HIS power, not mine! I have no power! Only through the Holy Spirit.

Every year it gets harder

2009-02-22T11:52:00.001-08:00

This week is our church's annual missions conference. Sincerely, my favorite time of the year at any church I've been to. I have to say, however, that I've never seen the heart for missions like the heart of my current pastor. That's NOT to say other pastors didn't have a heart for them...most did!!! (the ones who did not, are no longer pastors) Every year is jaw dropping for me and soooo exciting to be part of.
And every year it gets harder. Harder to hear the testimonies of the missionaries called to serve Him elsewhere...some as church planters, some as orphanage builders, some as helpers, some as nurses. I will be very open and honest, it hurts. I love hearing their testimonies and I fall in love with new families every single year that are then added to my heart and to my prayer list. But the entire time I have a thrilled -to -be -there smile on my face, I will be at the altar every evening crying tears because I'm not them. Oh, I'm wise enough now to know that there are no romantic notions in being a missionary to an overseas field. I have dear friends who are open and honest with me about their lives and it is downright sacrificial filled with faith beyond my grasp. But the hungry souls. THAT is what grips me every single year. It is the slide show that shows the people chasing them down for more tracts they just ran out of or the English class filled with Africans who are also learning HIS WORD while learning English. They have people who WANT what they have and recognize their NEED. I dream of the day of people chasing me down for WHAT I long to give them....the way to eternal life....to tell them about the Great Love that was sent JUST FOR THEM. To learn about Jesus in their language so that I can one day, bandage their wounds and in the same breath, tell them how loved they truly are. I can honestly say this is probably a daily yearning I struggle with.
But I trust my Heavenly Father because He knows best. He continues to say no for now. I was recently offerred a trip to South Africa based on my academic excellence and as I read the invitation, my entire body started shaking. I WANTED TO GO SO BADLY. In my head, it had my name written all over it. It was about nursing in South Africa. TWO AMAZING WEEKS touring the clinics and hospitals and villages in SOUTH AFRICA. I could give you 50 reasons I should go. And for days I tried. But God said no. I prayed and trusted. He has known my heart for years and I have to trust His answer.
So as my favorite week of the year begins...and I open my heart and my life to new families....and continue to yearn for more....I will also continue to wait. For now, I AM on a mission field. I AM being used. I AM telling people about Jesus in their own language. And the doors are constantly flying open. I continue to hold out hope that He will say yes if that is HIS will...but I have no doubt...I am exactly on the very mission field I have been called to.

How Can This Be?

2009-02-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

I have been surfing the net for about 14 years now. I started out rather naive and made "friends" with all kinds of people online. I learned the hard way that isn't always wise. So I started keeping to myself and onl7 if I "knew you in real life" did I correspond/chat with you. About 7 years ago, though, the Lord brought across my path an Independent Baptist Ladies email group with my kind of standards. They were faithful women who loved the Lord, who read the KJV, who were prayer warriors, supported missionaries, and encouraged one another as well as their husbands. Every week now, we have shared Church Reports, prayer requests, scripture memorization, Book reports, photos, birthdays, baby showers and daily questions that helps us to get to know one another. For SEVEN years!! I feel as if these ladies are very much a part of my heart and life. They have prayed me through two nursing schools....prayed us through two moves...through Tom's retirement....many illnesses.....my dad's death...my sister's death....on and on. I have done the same for them.
I do not live through my computer, by the way. I have a very full life here in Altus, OK. I just love their fellowship though and have learned I don't want to live without them. There is Robin in FLA who is our moderator who has three amazing children and a husband she loves. There is Beka who I've prayed through two pregnancies, one she recently lost and yet she still praised the Lord. I've "watched" her two adopted children grow up from little ones. Chris in the Mid-West is building a house and sharing the details with us and has a son with asthma and a daughter in college. Carol who lives in the NE has two daughters and works in a daycare environment. We can't forget our Nan who is a missionary to South America with a boat load (7) of kiddos who are faithful too! There is Linette who is so precious and lives in the NW part of the country and I believe is our oldest member. She has a couple of kiddos and grandchildren we often pray for and she is so faithful in her church report. Then there is Ilsa who is on the West Coast and has five children and we've been part of the birth of two of them! Baby shower and all!! We have a new member I'm getting to know but she is growing and learning and that is Darlene. And last and will never be least is our Precious Nancy who has had breast cancer since I joined. She stayed faithful and praised the Lord through every trial. She continued to attend church until a couple of weeks ago when she could no longer walk. She stayed in touch with us until she could no longer type. And today, our sweet precious faithful Nancy is at Home with our Jesus. The very Center of our world on our online group. At first I rejoiced. She was no longer in pain! No more cancer! She could walk and type again and most of all, was beholding HIS glory with HER OWN EYES. WOW!! But this morning was another story. Cryyyyyyy like a baby I did. I had already missed her for a couple of weeks. But she was a mom to two grown children, a grandmother to two beautiful babies and a faithful wife to Tom. She was a praying daughter for her lost daddy and a faithful praying sister to her lost sister "J".
I couldn't help but ponder all that we had been through as a group. And how very much I loved these ladies. Yet I've never physically been in the presence of any of them, ever. I've received Christmas gifts from them, birthday cards, had online baby showers and sent the gifts, talked on the phone, chatted online, etc. Yet we've never met. I have cherished the photos, the memories, the church reports, the book reports, etc. They all matter to me. And I appreciate their love and encouragement of my family.
Last month, one of the ladies attended a Bible conference at my son's school. She picked him out of the crowd without ever having met him and took a pic for me to see them together! I think many of us could do that with each other!
Our hearts are heavy tonight knowing our Nancy is no longer with us or her family who she ADORED. But I rejoice at this wonderful group of "strangers" who have found their way deep into my heart.

Giving it away and then taking it back

2009-02-05T14:34:00.000-08:00

That's what I'm finding myself doing lately and I'm frustrating the fire out of myself!! I have had my heart broken a few times more than usual lately. I can tell you that no matter what someone does to me, I do not wish harm to come to them. Saying that, I give way too much of my emotional energy to what people do to me. They are not doing it to me! They are doing it to HIM. I pray for them daily. I read HIS Word for peace and understanding. I think my biggest struggle is not understanding their hearts. My nature is to live peacefully and to love everyone. When it is not reciprocated, I struggle!
If you are reading this, would you pray for me, please? This isn't just one person...it is a couple of people that I had given my heart to, opened my life to, shared my family with and the results were disastrous on more than once occasion lately. It keeps going on when I think I'm moving foward, I get another ding.
GOD IS GOOD. I cannot fathom a moment of my life without the grace of my Savior.

Letting Go

2009-01-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

I have learned over the years to never ask the Lord to take someone out of my life because He has a purpose for every soul that crosses my path. No matter how deceiving they are to me, no matter how mean they are to me, I am growing as I deal with that relationship. Lately, I've been dealing with a few of these relationships and there are times I have lost sleep over their actions towards me. Do you hear my arrogance? I'm making myself the center of their attention when in reality, they don't answer to me for anything! Isn't that amazing liberty? They are HIS!!

As I laid in bed after dealing with yet another mean action that I cannot fathom doing in real life (although, being flesh, entertain "ideas" of what it would be like to reciprocate), I was frustrated last night. First at them for not caring how they make me feel. Second, frustrated at me for caring. I know better! I know it is a spiritual battle they are fighting. I was losing sleep when I needed to work the next morning and it hit me....pray for them. Don't give way to vain thoughts....pray for my "enemies". That feels like a strong word because honestly, I don't hate them nor truly wish them to go away. I just pray for their souls. I pray for their repentence. I pray for their salvation. I don't wish them harm. I just want to quit using my energy on their behavior that is not mine to worry about!

So last night, as I turned my thought to handing them over to my Savior for HIS death for them....I started praying for this person. Instead of wasting my time fretting and worrying...I will pray from now on and then move on. I am letting go of how I have dealt with them in my flesh. I will love them in prayer...almost daily. That is the greatest gift I can give anyone anyway. This is just one more example of the power in His Word. When we do things HIS way...life is so much sweeter.

My New Toy!!

2009-01-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

When our home got robbed back in November....I was crushed. We decided that once the insurance money came in, we would not replace many of the electronics that had gotten taken

but upgrade my camera...the one toy I played with almost daily. Here are a few fruits of my labor learning about my new Canon Rebel SLR. I'm a proud new mommy, that's for sure!

An Abomination?

2009-01-12T18:09:00.001-08:00

I have a dear lifelong friend who lives many hundreds of miles away but keeps in touch with me via computer. (I love modern technology!!) For the record, he was my babysitter when I was in around the 6th grade. While our parents were out partying, I was thankfully in the safety of this friend's home. We've never lost touch since then. That's been about 30 years ago!!

Last night, he just happened to be on and it had been a couple of months since we chatted. He poured his heart out to me about how his ex-partner had just passed away. The more details he gave me, I suspected the disease but didn't ask. He eventually shared with me it was AIDS. I'm guessing some Christian readers are wondering how in the world can I have a conversation like this and call myself a Christian. I may be wrong....but I've had this asked me to my face. Let me add as well that the Bible says they will know us by our love. He needs to be loved to Jesus. Condemnation isn't going to get him anywhere. As a matter of fact, it hasn't yet!

After chatting a bit and me just listening really, he said something that made the door to the precious Gospel fly right open. He says, "I envy you, you have it all!". I asked him what he meant and he clarified husband, kids, etc. He also made the statement that he had messed up his life and didn't know how to fix it. OHHHHH BOY! Did I take a running leap at that one! I told him, humbly and sincerely, that our life is just us trying to honor the Lord by living by His Word. I went onto say that when someone accepts Jesus as their Savior that there is so much love, you want to do all you can to please Him. My friend went on to share with me that he had accepted Jesus as His Savior back in highschool. (i actually remember this) Then he said something that made me cry. It broke my heart.
But Wendy, I am gay. I am an abomination to God. What do I do now?
I hung my head and just prayed for a second. I wanted every word to be HIS and not mine...using the Bible of course.
I said, "God does not see you as an abomination! He loves you so much that He sent His Son to die for you!".
But Wendy, I am an abomination. He just couldn't grasp it.
So I used the train illustration that puts salvation into a simpler way to understand. I wanted him to see the power in what Jesus did for him, my friend. I wanted him to grasp the grace as I once did. It didnt' come on the day of salvation...it was months or years later when "I got it" and fell totally and completely in love with my Jesus. I wanted to give him a glimpse into my heart and feel that same love.
Having given the illustration opened the door for me to share with him that his SIN is the abomination. I didn't sugarcoat anything but I didn't want to spend the night condemning him either because he already struggled with the Truth of Who God is. For some reason, the world, the Christian world, everyone sets homosexuality apart. I've seen many shunned and condemned without hearing God's Word. I was not going to do that. The Holy Spirit just lead me to remind my friend how much he is loved. I also put his sin in comparison to my sin and that I was no better. ALL HAD SINNED.
He then went onto remind me again that he was gay. So, I said, I'm a liar and a thief. We both should be going to hell....but Jesus died in our place!!!
I spoke the most beautiful words that a lost soul can hear....
God loves you just the way you are. (saying this knowing that if he was lost, it was hopeless for him to turn from his lifestyle without the Holy Spirit)
I said it again.
But he insisted he was already saved.
I then took the time to remind him that any sinful relationship outside of marriage is not pleasing to the Lord and when he got saved, he received the Holy Spirit. If he wasn't living his life for the Lord, in a God honoring way, the Lord could not honor him in return. He cannot be part of a life that is actively sinning.
Taking him at his word, then I reminded him that this could be a turning point in his life....that he could change everything by attending a Bible believing church, reading his Bible daily and praying daily.
My dear friend of 30 years was very receptive to all the Lord gave him through me last night and I was rejoicing. He holds a special place in my heart, like a big brother, for being a safe place in my childhood. I want him to hold a special place in his heart for my Jesus.

One of those days

2009-01-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of those amazing days I just want to talk about. To give God the glory for. There was nothing profound spiritually that happened to another soul but I felt the Lord's hand on us the entire day. The day had the potential to be very stressful and overwhelming but it turned out the opposite.
Tom had two VA appointments in Oklahoma City yesterday. Both appointments were in parts of the city we had never been to. Tom was to have his eyes dilated the first appointment which would've put me in charge of the driving the rest of the day. Did I mention I would be driving a stick shift? I can drive them...just not well..and not safely in a big city.
I have a lifelong friend who lives in Oklahoma City...she grew up there but we met back in 1990 when we became neighbors in Northern Michigan. We both were active duty at the hospital there. I was a young new mommy and new wife. She was a single mom who was much older and had lived a full life before coming in the Air Force. Fast forward to four years ago, she found me on the computer and we were living in Oklahoma, just two hours away! We caught up and last year, she found me again and has become a very real and important part of our lives again. Since 1990, we've both been saved and are members of Baptist Churches....
I called this friend and told her we were coming to the city, could we get together for lunch or dinner? But she offerred much more...she offerred to meet us, and drive us around for all our appointments! WOW! What a blessing! The day just kept falling into place and even she kept acknowledging it! We have a favorite sushi restaurant that ended up being just blocks from the first appointment. The timing was just so that Tommy Jr. was able to drive over and have lunch with all of us. We spent just enough time at lunch to make it to our next appointment in the perfect amount of time, with her driving, thank the Lord. The second appointment was out in Ten Buck Two and without her, we would've never made it and probably frustrated at one another. After that appointment, we surprised her son who didn't know I was coming into town and took him to Cold Stone for ice cream. The timing of that was perfect again that Tommy was coming home from work and was able to join us again!
Leaving "the city" was right after rush hour traffic and we made wonderful time, with no mishaps. My cup felt full as I got to spend the whole day with people I love....with a friend who loved us so much that she took an entire day to drive us around AND buy us ice cream. I got to spend time with her and Tom at Starbucks. I got to take Tom and Tommy to our favorite sushi restaurant and they loved their steaks. I got to introduce Tom and Tommy to my little buddy, her son. We got to share more laughs around my favorite ice cream! I got a few hugs from my oldest son who I miss terribly. And my youngest son, still at home, was taken good care of after school by my other good friend on this end.
I just wanted to thank the Lord for being part of every step of the way yesterday.

A Toe Steppin Kinda Day

2008-12-29T05:03:00.001-08:00

Oh no, I'm not talking about dancing!!! I'm talking about having my very own toes stepped on by the Word of God!!! I LOVE those moments!! I love to be challenged and molded and changed...all for HIS glory.
Sunday morning, Pastor preached out of Matthew 6. Matthew 6:33 happens to be the verse I clung to all through nursing school so when I would be tempted to stay home from anything at church to study, I would be reminded quickly that was NOT God's will. Because of that verse, after awhile, it was just never even an option to stay home above church, activities, visitation, etc.
But yesterday, he included it in a challenge of thinking on the things we've done for the Lord in 2008. Once he broke down the list for us, it became very apparent that it was not much. Just faithfulness to church x 3 a week, choir practice, Joyful Heart practice, and visitation on Tuesdays, is only 6% of our time. Oh I so wanted to crawl under the pew.
But it didn't stop there!!! He then challenged us on our personal walk...as a wife...as a mother...as a daughter.
::gulp::
I am a guardian to my mom who had a stroke 6 years ago. When he spoke those words to me, it broke me. I was beside myself. I struggle so much inwardly with taking care of my mom. I've done it now for four years and it looks like it's a life long endeavor for my family, and I have the most supportive husband in the world, but truthfully, I never dreamt or aspired to be my mom's guardian! It was never in my plans.
Get that? MY plans.
My mom is the biggest challenge in my life. I could see God's purpose in it when it happened to me. Everyone who knows us as a family, knows my mother struggled to like me and was very open about it my entire life. I was not one bit surprised when the Lord brought her to me to care for after her stroke, after dad's death. I also know that anything I go through now that is a struggle, God knows!!! My shame came when I realized how little I pray about taking care of her. Oh, I am a praying fool! Seriously! I pray about everything but for some reason, I did not have enough love in my heart to do it as often for her too.
Needless to say, I was broken at the altar yesterday morning...WHERE I BELONGED!
It slapped me right upside the head...I struggle in my heart because I've never truly given this over to the Lord. I did accept it right away in a physical sense. I worked feverishly to get her here and to get her settled. I take her to her doctor appointments and anything else she "needs". But the Lord deserves more than my robotic motions. He deserves my entire heart concerning this part of my life. When I was praying, I confessed to Him how hard it was after her rebuking me my entire adult life for my faith and bringing my extended family along with her. It was that very family that has turned their backs on her in many ways. But the Lord knows. How many of us have that same relationship with Him? Just going through the motions? Rebuking Him for not giving us what we want, rather than what He knows is best. God knows and I have to remember that.
I'm still struggling, even this morning, to talk to the Lord about this...but I WILL talk about it...and I WILL listen.

So, now I know!

2008-12-26T14:26:00.001-08:00

I realized something this year. I love Christmas. But I didn't know that because for the last probably 10 years or so, I had become quite gripey about the season. I didn't allow myself to enjoy much of it, except maybe taking pictures of the times with friends. I had started to resent the commercialism of the season. The attention on Santa Clause. The lack of attention on The Reason. The pressure from having to buy presents. The cooking for tons of people and hearing from family members who forget the highway has two directions how we are not coming home yet again and that somehow makes us horrible. You could call me Scrooge Lou Hoo.
Not anymore!! That all changed when last Christmas 2007, we were going to embark on our first ever vacation as a family to attend a friend's wedding in Hawaii. It was because of my friend and her future husband that we were even able to plan this vacation because of their part in paying for some of it. In the midst of planning Hawaii, our family chose to basically blow off Christmas. In every way except serving in the specials at church. We sent no cards. We gave each other no presents. We baked no cookies. We cooked no special food nor decorated our home in any way. Our focus was almost completely on Hawaii. But the Lord had other plans for our family. On Christmas day, the day we were to drive to OK City to stay in a hotel for the night to arrive by 4am the next morning to leave for Hawaii, my husband's gallbladder decided to go kaput. He was literally writhing in pain in the bed and was throwing up but never woke me up through the entire night. When I finally woke up and realized what was happening (as a nurse and as a former gallbladder surgery patient), we went to the ER at 6am. He was miserable. I honestly believed he would be getting his gallbladder out that very day but because his enzymes were normal, he was sent home on pain medicine. My husband literally slept 24 hours that day with the exception of 30 minutes.
So there I sat in our home, on the couch with the phone in my hand. I kept looking at it and crying because I knew I would have to call my friend and tell her we weren't going to be able to come to her wedding. After the horrible phone call, somewhere in there I had to tell the boys. Thankfully, we have amazing friends who invited them over to spend the day with them and their boys.
Alone.
On Christmas.
No food. Nothing to drink but water. Nothing festive. I felt like I couldn't bother anyone else because I didn't want to leave Tom for one.
Lots of tears. Worrying about my husband. Worrying about hurting my friend. Worrying about disappointing my boys. Sad because I was missing my friend's wedding and I love her dearly. And so sad I had ignored the meaning of the day for the entire season.
Much repentence. And a goal to enjoy it forevermore!
This year I embraced it with JOY!! I didn't fret over the lack of time to myself for the month of December. We even got through my husband's retirement AND planned Christmas. I just wasn't stressed about it at all this year because I already knew how important it was to me. I smiled at the shoppers and was never rude. I felt a warm fuzzy at the sight of Santa in the park because that is what our town does for the kids in this town. I sang every Christmas song that came my way. I mingled with everyone on Black Friday and did all my mom's shopping as well. With a smile. I did have trouble getting our tree up this year because of working so much and other activities but I allowed it to be a slow process, one step at a time. The box sat in our house for a few days and then a bare tree for a couple of more and then just a tree with lights for a couple more. I still smiled because it was SOMETHING. I watched every Christmas movie I could find the time to watch.
Because I realized something. Yes, Christmas Day is to memorialize the birth of Jesus. My life is also the same. The lights, the decorations, the cookies, the gifts, the shoppers, the music....to me, in my heart, points to the ONE Who matters! Even Santa, who stands for something GOOD is not bad. We've never made a big deal out of him but this year, I don't hate him. I'm not growling at the site of him. I'm so thankful this year. So thankful for so much. For my Savior who died for ME so that I may have eternal life! Thankful for HIS Word that guides me in all my ways. Thankful for my precious husband who leads us and loves us, in spite of dealing with so much illness. Thankful for my beautiful boys who choose, on their own, to love the Lord. Thankful for their service to Him in our local church. Thankful for godly friends who give glory to God in the midst of a sudden death of a 19 year old boy, who point me to the Savior when my home is broken into and who are praying for the burglars to know Him like we do.
I never want to take Christmas for granted ever again. I want to continue to rejoice for the GOOD that comes from it. The church invitations, the willing ears, and sometimes, the changed lives.

Not sure how to get past this

2008-12-01T08:17:00.001-08:00

Yesterday my family and I had an experience that you only read about or hear about on the news. When we got home from church, we found out our home had been broken into. I feel like I'm being melodramatic when I use the other words, "we were robbed" but that is more of the truth because it is what happened.
Yesterday I was more in shock over everything my I laid my eyes on. There were various moments of grief when I went to retrieve an object that was no longer in our home. Every single item taken that was mine had been a gift. I walked through our home with my mouth hung open as they literally left nothing unturned or unopened. I think the hardest part for me was walking into my bedroom. My bedroom has been my sanctuary for years... a place of quiet...a place Tom and I will talk about our day, or when I'm really sick with a virus, I'll hide away in there. I've spent hours in prayer in my bedroom. I hardly ever take just friends in there and never have. My bedroom is my personal space. It made my stomach turn when I walked in and our dresser drawers were opened and my jewelry box drawers were turned upside down empty. I had a cup of water on my dresser they decided to shove into Tom's drawer and everything got wet. My mattresses had been turned about and there was stuff laying everywhere. I was physically sick to my stomach and I walked out of my room.
Next was the realization that they had beaten up on the presents my mom and I had purchased for our family in Ohio. They were already wrapped and getting sent out today. I still haven't had the emotional strength to go through them. Next was a trip back through the living room to see that my Wii was gone and to see many of our movies strewn about the living room. I had heard Tom tell me my laptop was missing but it hit hard when I was able to focus on the place it should've been sitting. Once again, a gift for my RN graduation. In my living room, you can look into our office and back into our dining room, into the kitchen. I felt like the room was spinning as I kept finding things they had just thrown down or were missing. Something hit me when I realized there were a lot of pill bottles missing so I went into the kitchen to find they had taken all of my husband's pain medicine. That hit me hard because that hit someone I love dearly.
After walking past the presents again, I went to grab my camera to take a picture to show my family in OH and as I flew to my desk where I had it last, it was gone. The tears came to my eyes then because my camera...if you know me...it is part of me. I carry it with me almost all the time and had just taken it out of my purse to download pics of Thanksgiving.
During all this, there are two police men going through my house taking pictures. My house looked horrible and part of me was embarrassed but I knew that was silly. It was just a thought to distract me. I finally sat down in my corner chair and just kept looking around taking it all in in disbelief. I listened to the conversation around me to find out they had kicked in my back door. We were also missing 3 of our animals at this point because they left my backdoor wide open and I was trying to maintain some calm but on the inside I was screaming because those animals are precious to me. I watched Alex and felt my heart sinking trying to figure out what was going on inside his heart. He was being so grown up but when he asked the police men to check his room upstairs one last time, I knew he was scared.
I really am trying to choose my words wisely because I do not want to come across like a drama queen but violated is what comes to mind. I felt 'icky" inside... I wanted to put bars across my windows and doors and even at one point, would've gladly moved out at that moment. I know my thoughts aren't going to always be rational, more of defense mechanisms to cope but at the moment, it is what gets me by to the next moment.
We spent the rest of the afternoon in a quiet way. We weren't comfortable leaving the house alone so somebody was there the rest of the day. Tom was hit the hardest physically. Everytime I heard any kind of a noise, I jumped. Going to church was a blessing and difficult because I love my church and my friends but I didn't want to leave my home, as if that would change anything.
Finally I had my "moment" last night. The moment where I just couldn't not cry any longer when I realized an item that was gone. When my dad died in 2002, my husband and boys got his picture and a lock of his hair made into a necklace just for me. I didn't wear it often but it was probably one of my most loved and cherished items because it still held a piece of my father near to my heart. I bawled and bawled like a baby when it hit me that I probably will never see that again and everything else they had taken.
So now it is time to lay my head down and try to sleep. I finally found my way to the couch with all the lights on and the television on. The whole time I am feeling very skittish and jumpy. Tom was just a few feet away from me and I was finally able to doze off. The hard part was going back to our bedroom with Tom and sleeping in the same room they had just terrorized a few shorts hours prior. The backdoor is also right by our bedroom but thankfully, I slept "ok".
Waking up was another adventure. I was thankful to wake up to my home still intact but worrying about Alex was another story. I worry about every decision I make, a "looking over your shoulder" kinda feeling. I had received some texts from Tom Jr into the night worrying about Alex. I felt helpless, wondering how I can help him when I'm feeling the way I am. I talked with him a little and did what I always do with sincerity, I prayed and allowed various scriptures to come to mind.
We have never been alone through this entire ordeal and that is something, at moments, I have to remind myself when my fear gets the best of me. I know what His Word says and KNOW that His promises are real and never broken. I know that the stuff they took was just that, "stuff". I was so thankful to wake up to all four cats and our dog who had gotten out. I was so thankful that all of us were fine physically and alive and well. My head recognizes this as just another trial in our lives and I'm just waiting on my heart to catch up and let go of the fear. (2 Tim 1:7)
In the meantime, I will do what I ALWAYS do. Continue to live my life just as I did before yesterday. Praying, serving, worshipping, etc. I will accept I am changed from this but not let it cripple me. I will accept that I may have a hard time dealing with this at certain times and recognize my tears as healthy and acceptable and if the anger ever comes, I will recognize the grief and move past it as well. I will continue to thank the Lord for all the GOOD in my life and for even the good that will come from this. I know this from every valley I've ever endured. I will continue to pray for the people who did this to our home. I'm even praying for a miracle that somehow my necklace will be returned. Just that one item because really, when I gave my life over to the Lord years ago, I did it with my stuff as well. So I'll let HIM deal with the missing stuff! :-)

Isolation vs separation?

2008-11-20T05:04:00.000-08:00

The Lord has been doing a miraculous work in my heart the last few months. I am at a place I never envisioned myself once upon a time. I don't like to consider myself stubborn because that makes me sound rebellious and I truly do call upon Him day after day to continue to mold me and make me more like Him. However, I do consider myself a little slow. Slow to see what is important to Him and to step outside the status quo within our churches and amongst my believing friends. I struggle in keeping the Lord in His box...our box of comfort...our box of haughtiness...our box of laziness...our box of excuses.
Grace.
It's just that simple.
I saw it happening in my heart but finally, the Lord named it for me just a few days ago. I've felt a little like the room was spinning and I couldn't quite understand what was happening to me. I love it, though. I love that I am able to finally, FINALLY, look past the exterior. I love it that I finally, FINALLY, am able to see me through HIS eyes. (it's ugly, people!) I love it that there is nobody I hesitate to shake their hands and give a smile to because it is HIS smile and HIS hand I am extending. I love that as we have slowly allowed our children to branch out, they are making friends with all types of kids and MAKING A DIFFERENCE in their lives. I love seeing this change and the consequences of being more Christ-like.
It was what Jesus did.
It's just that simple.
If you read through the Bible...He found himself among every type of people. My favorite, I think, is the woman at the well. The world hated her, despised her, so much so she had to come during the worst part of the day to get her water. But Jesus loved her! He sat with her and talked with her. He showed her He loved her and she was important to Him. It melts my heart trying to imagine the thrill in her heart to have such love. He loved her JUST AS SHE WAS. It was AFTER He extended His love for her that she repented. After accepting HIS GRACE, she told everyone about Him!! Yet that relationship had to be in place first.
It's our turn.
I have found myself drawn to the most unlikely places lately. Places that used to repulse me or I felt like I couldn't allow myself to be part of because of what I was. (as if I was better than anybody else) Put your imagination away..I don't go to sinful places...I said unlikely places. I spend more time with my co-workers getting to know them, JUST AS THEY ARE. I am going out to eat with them, sitting with them and listening to them. I am finding myself in their homes and loving their children and being called Auntie Wendy. I find myself loving them so much and showing love to them as much as allowed. I use my tongue to edify and lift them up to show them they are loved. I go to their extracirricular activities.
Yet I'm still me.
I do not hide who I am. Quite the contrary, when they come to me hurting, I am very open about my testimony and the Grace that was extended to ME. Grace I don't deserve but that very grace has changed my life.
I have many friends who mean well. I meant well when I kept my children away from other children and hid myself away to only hang with my other believing friends. I meant well but it wasn't effective. Nobody was getting saved. The unlovable weren't being loved. I was treading water.
Grace.
It's that simple.
My children spend time at church with every child there. Many of them come from homes we cannot fathom living in nor being around for long. We have become their family. But because they have also taken the time to take them out to ice cream, or attend their sports activities or band concerts, these children KNOW they are loved. They keep coming back to church. They are GETTING SAVED and coming to know the Lord. It doesn't stop there. I've watched my boys over and over again encourage these kids to read the Word of God....to come to visitation, to share their faith.
Grace.
The Lord does tell us in His Word to be a peculiar people and to not be of the world....nowhere does He tell us not to be in the world.
Grace.
Grace means getting over yourself and seeing who you are before a Holy God. Grace is loving others when they are unlovable, like you are! Grace is hanging on to each relationship in spite of the pain and frustration. Just like Jesus does for us day after day!

So now what?

2008-11-16T04:23:00.000-08:00

I had to learn a hard lesson the last two weeks that I know has a purpose in my life but I am struggling struggling. I had to learn that when one serves in the ministry that not everyone is going to be your friend, even when you go as far as including them in your day to day life and letting them in your bubble. I learned that there are boundaries and I am praying about them even today because after 14 years of serving the Lord, this hit me like a Mack truck. HARD. My heart is broken and that frustrates me! I am frustrated that it takes my emotional energy to deal with this and that takes away from the Lord's Work. I am frustrated that this morning, I am sincerely scared to have to face this person in case they decide to return to our church. I have prayed for them since it came into the open there was a problem but looking them in the eye after all that has happened is going to be impossible. They hurt me beyond their comprehension and I know that. But my husband understands and my Lord understands.
Then comes grace. There is no other answer and I'm trusting the Holy Spirit for His grace in His perfect time. What if when I came to meet the Lord in prayer, He turned away from me because I had hurt Him? That COULD be a daily occurrence but HE doesn't allow it and neither can I. I represent the Most High King and in His grace, I will extend my hand in fellowship, with eye contact and a loving smile because it the least I can do after all He does for me daily.

A New Day in America

2008-11-05T02:53:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning with a bit of a heavy heart, NOT because I'm not proud of our country, our society as a whole for their changing hearts towards the color of a man'a skin. (FINALLY) NOT because I don't believe that God is still in control (HE ALWAYS WILL BE) but sad because the issues I typed about in my last blog are still and always will be so important to me because they are important to the Lord. I was reading some blogs I keep up with this morning and I am going to borrow their words because they were so eloquently written.
Consider that these might as well come from my heart because I agree with them 100%.
Josh Harris wrote in www.joshharris.com
"On Sunday I told my church that after the election half the country would be elated, confident that all would be right in the world because their candidate won; the other half dejected and sure that the world had ended because their candidate lost. But Christians should realize that both sides are wrong. If you voted for Obama, he isn't worthy of your ultimate hope. And if you didn't vote for him, don't despair as though Jesus isn't reigning over the world.
Those who call Jesus their Lord can be filled with a quiet peace and confidence in all seasons. Our Savior is never in the White House. Our Savior is Jesus. We must turn to him with joy and faith. And as we do let's pray for our new President Elect that God would give him wisdom and grace to lead our nation in the days to come. My friend Justin Taylor shares the following helpful words:
No matter who you voted for--or whether you voted at all--it's important to remember that, as President, Barack Obama will have God-given authority to govern us, and that we should view him as a servant of God (Rom. 13:1, 4) to whom we should be subject (Rom. 13:1, 5; 1 Pet. 2:13-14).
We are to pray for Barack Obama (1 Tim. 2:1-2).
We are to thank God for Barack Obama (1 Tim. 2:1-2).
We are to respect Barack Obama (Rom. 13:7).
We are to honor Barack Obama (Rom. 13:7; 1 Pet. 2:17).There are many qualifications to add to these exhortations--for example, see this excellent post by John Piper--but it's still important to remember that these are requirements for all Bible-believing Christians.
Though I deeply disagree with Barack Obama on certain policy issues (most notably his support of abortion), I am committed to praying for him and his family in the years to come. And I am grateful to God that in his election our country has taken an important step away from its sad history of racism and prejudice. "
Radical Womanhood blog (http://solofemininity.blogs.com/posts/2008/11/congratulations-and-condolences.html) stated : It is certainly an historic day. Though I disagree with many of President-elect Obama's policies (and will be praying for change), I still appreciate the tremendous moment facing us with the election of our nation's first African-American president. What a transformation in my lifetime alone--from Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech to the election of Barack Obama. It is a profound social change and, in my opinion, evidence of God's grace in changing hearts. My congratulations to Mr. Obama ... and my condolences, too. I do wish his grandmother had lived just one day more to see her son's historic victory. It must be a bittersweet time for the Obama family.
And last but not least Rick Lawrenson (http://nagsheader.blogspot.com/2008/11/morning-after.html) wrote
It’s November 5. And as the old song from “Billy Jack” sang, “there’s got to be a morning after”. I realize that today’s news is likely captivating the attention of the majority of us who read this paper, so I don’t have any grand illusions that what a preacher writes today will gather much attention. But I want to speak to the Christian community in the aftermath of yesterday’s much anticipated vote.There are some biblical principles that need to be remembered by us who claim faith in God regarding government and our responsibility to it. So whether this morning’s news makes you smile or kick the cat, these should apply to you. And take a minute to break out your Bible and read the passages I’ve included.Human government isn’t perfect, but it’s a God-ordained institution. Perfection was tossed out the window in the Garden of Eden. (Genesis 3) Whether your candidate is viewed as some kind of a messiah or the lesser of two evils, he isn’t going to usher in utopia. Yet God has created government to protect us from harm and to provide justice. (Romans 13:1-7) If our government misses those marks it will answer to God. We’ve heard from all the politicians and pundits that our government is “broken”. Well, it was never perfect, not even when the ink was still drying on the Bill of Rights. (I will interject that it’s still the best the world has to offer!) Broken people can’t produce anything perfect. So, as God has done toward us, let’s extend a little grace.Taxation is part of the deal and we’re to submit to it. Jesus gave that instruction to those listening and during great governmental corruption. (Matthew 22:21) Jesus said we’re to give to God what is God’s and to support our government. Caesar’s government, by the way, wasn’t known as being particularly fair. Regardless of what you may think, you still live a lifestyle higher than the rest of the world. Travel to a third world country and you’ll realize how blessed we are. Be grateful. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)Sometimes we get what we deserve. Over and again when the nation of Israel in the Old Testament turned its collective heart away from dependence on God they found themselves in dire economic times. What’s a better wake up call? Unfortunately the American church in the last generation has tried to enact spiritual awakening via political and man-centered means. And judgment, we’re told begins in the “house of the Lord”, and rightly so. (1 Peter 4:17) Before we try to clean up our country we need to clean up ourselves first. You have a dual citizenship. (Philippians 3:20) By God’s grace you are a citizen of a coming Kingdom. A perfect government is in our future. We just have to wait and be patient. The answer to all our ills is not in any man who occupies the Oval Office, sits on Capitol Hill or dons a black robe. Let’s hope things get better. But whether they do or don’t, your future is a bright one if Christ is your King.One day wars will be over. (Isaiah 2:4) The economy won’t be a concern. No one will be needy or hungry or disenfranchised. Race won’t be an issue and borders will be removed. And we won’t have to watch any more political advertisements or hear any more speeches from candidates! We’ll live under the rule of a perfect Monarch, giving us a world we could never imagine. (Sorry John Lennon.) Our responsibility is to pray for our leaders. (1 Timothy 2:1-2) Whether your man won or lost, it makes no difference. He needs your prayers. Why? “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord” (Proverbs 21:1). God is the only One Sovereign in the truest sense. He’s got things under control, whether we can see it or not.

Bittersweet Hellos

2008-10-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

In August of this year, I experienced a first when my firstborn started his first year in college. Thankfully he chose a college that is only 2 hours away and it is stricter than his daddy and I are so although I pray daily, I'm encouraged at the growth I see in our son.
Today I decided I was going to set aside my world and go be part of his. I invited my youngest to come along and on the road we went.
Any mom who has a child gone from "the nest" can attest to that feeling of elation and completeness when you are back with that child, no matter for how long. Unfortunately, what I have NOT been able to do is to blank out that in a few short hours, I will have to go through the goodbye again. Ever since Tommy left home, whenever we get to visit with him, the whole time I'm thinking about the goodbye and getting through it.
I decided when he decided to go to Heartland Bible Baptist College that I was not going to let his absence from our physical daily lives cripple me, because I knew he was trying to please the Lord in attending there. I know it's a great school with great doctrine being taught and rules in place to guard my child's testimony.
But my heart hurts, constantly. I try not to make it a conscious thought but he was such a part of my life, it hurts to have him gone. I miss him so much that sometimes it takes my breath away. We used to visit almost every single evening with him sharing his day, thoughts, concerns, and prayer requests for others. Tommy was taught by our pastor to be giving and serve and that has carried over to his college life which makes for a busy week and difficulty in reaching him by phone. I often get a between class hello and I love ya Mom text message. When he first left home, Tom and I would literally physically race to get to the phone, pushing the other out of the way. Pitiful I know!
So we arrive just in time yesterday for Thursday chapel at Heartland. Tommy is waiting there for us and obviously, proudly, takes us with him. I am instantly introduced to so many young people who seem to genuinely be happy we were there. I had three young ladies come up to me and wait on Tommy to introduce them. I thought that was such a sweet part of their character to WANT to meet me. The one thing I was not prepared for was how beautiful they were on the outside. Not only did they have precious spirits, they were gorgeous young ladies. I didn't give it much thought but I did think on it....with a question mark to the side. LOL
The chapel service was amazing. I loved it when I served full time in a Christian ministry and felt myself instantly drawn to the college, not just because Tommy was there but because of the spirit for Christ there. He was so obviously the center and all that was done was decent and in order. I was able to worship our Lord with my boys.
After chapel, we were able to go to lunch at Cracker Barrel. A modest sit down place that allowed us time to visit. I took pictures, of course, of us laughing. I miss us laughing because we used to do that so much. I enjoyed watching our boys pick under the table, kick and grab. Bad manners, I know! LOL I needed that though.
The time came to say goodbye and I instantly felt the wind knocked out of me. I am sincerely consciously pasting a smile on my face for the sake of my son but I hold on for extra long like always. I'm so proud of the young man he is becoming and his sweet spirit for the things of God. And I knew this season of my life would be difficult. My prayer is that one day soon, I will be able to breathe more steadily and my heart won't hurt when I know I have to leave him again. I wonder if that's even a realistic expectation. For now, though, life goes on at the Glosser home. I have another amazing young man who still needs our direction for a few more years. He also makes me laugh and I need him too.
I'm just so thankful for God's grace at this time in my life.

Are you a New Creature?

2008-10-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling very discouraged the last few days. I pray harder through these times in my life, wanting to reject them and completely embrace our Savior. I am, however, human with human struggles.
My mind never ever slows down...I literally have 10 things running through it at any one time. It can be exhausting sometimes! LOL
What I have noticed is in my discouragement, that I have slowly sashayed away from my Lord. I don't feel his close presence but I have loved Him long enough to know it's not because He went anywhere. Don't misunderstand, I still pray throughout my day, still read His Word, and of course attend church faithfully. But it's more of a knot inside my stomach that stems from anxiety of what our future holds and watching my husband physically struggle.
I try hard to seek the Word of God to encourage me through these times...times that include my firstborn away at Bible College, my husband being diagnosed time and time again with disease processes that could be really bad but we are going to hope in a fabulous God! Times when my husband is preparing to retire from the only life we've ever known in the Air Force and knowing he has physical limitations. I could go on and on but I want to take time to count my blessings!
One of my prayer requests is for the Lord to renew my spirit, recognizing my sin in turning inward. Tonight we had a guest preacher who preached out of Matthew 5:13. He challenged me with asking what kind of salt am I to the world? Do I set myself apart or do I blend in? The reason for setting ourselves apart is for the sake of giving others a reason to seek the hope that is within us! WOW! I sat there with tears streaming down my face because in the midst of my anxiety, I'm certain I'm not as salty as I have been or could be. I love my Jesus SO MUCH. I cannot fathom the love He has for us, for *ME*. Yet why is my voice quiet the last couple of weeks?
The speaker also challenged us to the new life we should be living once we've accepted Christ. He challenged us again to look to ourselves and ask if we are a new creature? Has there been a change in you?
That's when I started to get excited. I am a new creature! I don't like remembering the "old me" but I also think it's important to remember what Jesus saved me from! I do have new desires and the old things I used to do make me physically ill just thinking on them. These are the things others cling to when they are struggling. What is the Hope we have that changed our lives?
This season in my life is not something I ever aspired to travel through but I know that the Lord has purpose in it all. I have so many blessings to praise Him for, first and firemost for HIM, because of HIS death, I live! I have HIS Word that guides me and tells me exactly what is on His mind and heart! I know what He expects of me as His kid because He wrote it down.
So my challenge for this week is to not take my Savior's death for granted. Use it to motivate my actions to bring others to the Lord so they too can know what it's like to be a new creature!

The WORST Four-letter Word

2008-10-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

I ran this challenge across my husband and son and they both said, "hate" and "evil". NOPE and I also right away told them that it had nothing to do with the expletives we see in the media or hear others use.
As I continue in my Bible Institute classes and my discipleship classes...continue to mentor and counsel other women in their marriages/family relationships and continue in praying for God's grace to be allowed to grow spiritually it occured to me the other day like a slap uside the forehead!
SELF!
WE are our OWN WORST ENEMY. Let's be real. We need to stop giving the devil the glory for our choices and look in the mirror. I'm talking to me too, ya know!
When the Pastor reminds us the importance of coming to church and we respond internally with, "but I have so much to do! It's hard to get away!" SELF! What you want to do is more important than building that relationship with the Lord. (who died for YOU by the way)
When the Pastor reminds us to go out and tell others about Jesus, hopefully during a visitation time that encourages us through others and we respond with, "but I worked all day!" SELF There is nothing left on television that is worth staying home for anymore and what better way to spend your free time but serving the One who gave His very life for you?
When you are reminded of the great Sunday School class that awaits you at 10am and is awesome by the way, and you respond with, "but it's my only morning to sleep in!". SELF! Sunday School helps build the relationships we so desperately need to stay encouraged in the Lord and go to bed a little earlier then you won't have to sleep in! If you search yourself, sleeping in probably just means not going anywhere that morning. I know! I love that rare morning that I don't have to hop out of my pajamas into the shower. I'm with ya! But I cannot imagine my life without the intimacy that my Sunday School class gives me with others as well as the Word of God.
You're upset because your husband left his dirty jeans on the floor and you tripped over his shoes. SELF!! You are created to be his helpmeet! Try to imagine your life without him. Here is one I struggle with...."It's time to cook yet another meal?" I GET to cook whatever I want because my husband has provided for me for the last 20 years. He DESERVES a good hot meal after working all day and putting up with the world.
"My girlfriend never calls or writes anymore"....when was the last time YOU picked up the phone and called her and encouraged her in the Lord?!
"All my Pastor preaches about is money money money". Really? He sincerely probably doesn't but How do you think the church is supposed to have electricity and running water and the cirriculum you use for your Sunday School and that pesky little detail of your pastor also providing for his family? SELF! Consider the things you spend your money on and how many of those things do you actually NEED. Couldn't survive without?
This blog could be endless but this is something the Lord has laid on MY heart the last few days and it hit me hard. There is so much about our lives that are blessings yet we gripe and complain. My prayer is that the Lord gives me the strength to push SELF aside and do all things through Him with HIS heart and HIS eyes.

Some changes and a birthday shout out!

2008-10-14T02:44:00.000-07:00

I did it! I took the time to find my way around to 'spif it up' a bit! I'm not done...but I felt the time I spent yesterday was enough for now. I'm wishing for more choices on the templates...if anyone knows how to make my own, will you let me know? I have a very busy rest of the week so won't have much time on here but for now, this will have to suffice.
I like it. I like the change. I like that I was able to personalize it.
I am praying today for
McMama at : http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ She has had to go into the hospital way too early and there are some cardiac issues. I feel at peace, though, because of her faith. She encourages me to look to Jesus.
Tricia at: http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/ This young lady is just amazing but is having some acute respiratory issues--not good with new lungs! Her daughter is probably the cutest kid East of the Mississippi!
Karina at: http://www.caringbridge.org/ok/karinasones/ This family are personal friends. Karina had leukemia that went into remission but her brain acquired a virus that pushed her backwards to almost infant/toddler stage and now they've worked to bring her back. She is an amazing fighter with an even more amazing faith! Her mom is one of the most beautiful women I know.
My Pastor and wife at: http://www.ibura.info/ibura.info/Welcome.html Pastor and Kim Hawn are on a missions trip to Africa. They will be home Saturday. I cannot wait to hear all about it! I know they will never be the same again!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!! Alex is 15 today and my youngest child. He is gifted and hilarious. My days are full of fun and laughter with him. I love you Alex!

A new addiction

2008-10-12T18:13:00.001-07:00

Not really so new actually but I'm confessing it anyway! BLOGS! I love to read people's blogs! I have probably 5 or 6 I check THROUGHOUT EACH DAY!! Not daily, no, bihourly! LOL I long to have the fancy blogs of these writers and to have the crisp clear pictures of my family to post but my reality is, as computer savvy as I can be, I have't quite figured out the blogger.com website. I just don't have the time or rather, don't take the time to get to know my way around.
Some of the blogs I enjoy reading are Jersey Mama, Confessions of a CF Husband, My Charming Kids, It is Well With my Soul, caringbridge.com/karinasones and a couple of others.
I've also taken the time to pray for these people. Their testimonies encourage me and I take advantage of their openness.
I'm not quite there yet. This blog has not been made public to my friends because I'm not quite ready for that. I do have a blog on myspace that I can edit and filter because myspace has become my outreach for Christ. This blog is to the center of my heart. I am open and brutally honest so if you happen across this blog, you are truly getting to know the real me.
I spend so much time trying to make people laugh, feel loved, entertained, that this is an outlet for me to write the sincere thoughts of my heart--which are often heartfelt. I still am careful with names just in case but I want others to know that I also struggle but GOD IS GOOD. I don't spend enough time sharing that with others I don't think, on here at least.
I'm hoping to take my blog envy and put it to good use to motivate myself to change mine around a bit and to reach out to others a bit more.
If you are reading this, and you want me to read your blog, please leave me the address and I'll do that! And I'll pray! And I'll do my best to encourage you with edifying words from HIS WORD.

Hold That Thought

2008-09-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

Purging hurts. It breaks your heart. But is necessary! (John 15) I feel so beat up and I feel badly saying that because I do not want the attention to go on me but I'm trying to describe this molding process the Lord has put me through the last month. It's ALL for His glory and I ask for it!! I consciously pray for the Lord to show me others and MYSELF through His eyes and His heart. Would I take it back knowing what I know now? NO WAY. I am still praying those words because we, as humans, tend to wear rose colored glasses in view of our sinful state. I want the real deal. I want to know and understand how the Lord views me.
So I'm skating along in life and I'm feeling pretty decent about my service to the Lord and how I'm raising our children. I read my Bible daily, pray often through my day, pray for my husband and take my role as his helpmeet very seriously. I am involved in many areas of service in the church and sincerely live for the Lord daily. But the Lord has shown me the last month (I ASKED), there are areas in my life that need fixed...BAD.
1. Forgiveness. I do NOT get to pick and choose who I forgive. But I did. And it affected that person and it affected me greatly yet I didn't see it until I asked. I was justifying it all the day long and feeling OK with it. Basically, I was blowing off God's Word. In my children's lives when they blow off my words, it is called Disobedience. For some reason, I had considered myself above this in this one instance. SHAME ON ME. How can I glorify the Lord and yet not love ALL. Reality hit when I did choose to obey and do what the Lord's Word says, the amazing changes in this person's life. It had affected him every which way. I feel like a snake now as I see what I had done. It was discreet at first...and then my tongue...OH THE TONGUE. How many times have I begged the Lord to just rip it out in my early saved days and then later, realized it was a heart issue, not an actual tongue issue. Since this has been about a 10 year long relationship, it went from discreet to full blown gossip and MEANNESS. So now I'm tip-toeing in this relationship because I get the power my tongue has and my heart has over this person. I DO NOT WANT TO USE IT FOR BAD ANYMORE. I'm seeking the Lord's wisdom to never let this happen again to anyone. I'm so embarrassed.
2. James talks about the power of our tongue and through the Word the Lord shows the importance of unity in the church, to etify our fellow brethren in the church. Our pastor often preaches about backbiting and gossiping. He teaches us what is in Corinthians about having a fault with another. So since this has been beaten into me the last couple of years, I was doing very well in church with my church members. I was not prideful about it, don't get me wrong, but I am guarded in my actions and work hard to be a good example. But outside church? In my work world? Somehow, once again, was able to justify a different attitude and that is wrong. The last couple of weeks, the Lord showed me yet again, how important it is to carry His Word into every aspect of our lives. Now four weeks ago, I would've told you I was! He showed otherwise. He has given me the privilege to be a nurse-a registered nurse. Yet I often come out of the patient's room complaining about this or that...or I'll get off the phone with an ancillary service and gripe about the person on the other end...on and on. Now does that glorify Christ? IT DOES NOT.
So daily I seek the Lord's wisdom in my attitude and my tongue. I want to exemplify Christ in ALL I do. I want to continue to see me through the Lord's eyes..not mine. I want to be a light that so shines....not a grumbling mess at work. I want people to know what an honor it is to serve the Lord through my patients, no matter how difficult they are. I want to forgive everyone and not waste energy worrying about them but worry about their souls. THAT is what matters.

A time of testing

2008-09-06T19:34:00.001-07:00

For 21 years of his life, my 39 year old husband has served in the United States Air Force as an inflight refueler on the KC-135 and on the KC-10. In that 21 years, he has earned over 40 ribbons/awards having served in Desert Storm and numerous other conflicts representing our country. For 21 years, his life has not been his own. He's been told where we would live and when and where he would work. He has been called out in the middle of the night for numerous TDY's to various places not allowed to be disclosed to anyone. For 21 years he has missed birthday after birthday, Christmases, Thanksgivings, Easters, and many special occasions. He's also been away during various trips to the ER or doctor appointments with our boys and often wasn't even a phone call away. For 21 years, it's been the only life either one of us have ever known because we both joined the Air Force straight out of our parents homes as teenagers.
Not only has he earned a sick amount of ribbons/awards, he has also won awards like NCO of the Year and Instructor of the Year....a few Crews of the Quarter and a few NCO of the Quarter awards. Most recent was his promotion to MSgt that he had to turn down because of his pending retirement. He's also managed to achieve two Associate Degrees and is a few months away from his bachelor's degree. He's helped me raise two boys with asthma when he was at home, supported me through two nursing schools, supported me through my dad's cancer and my mom's stroke and then received a phone call one night that his own dad had killed himself. Just a few months later, his own mom had a stroke and then was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. In 2004, he gladly moved my mom down here and supports all I do to be her guardian. He has also faithfully attended church with me since 1994 and served in various capacities as our lives have allowed.
In August 2003, we arrived to Altus, OK. Tom was so excited because although he was volunteered for the position, he loves to teach. I can honestly and sincerely say he is one of the greatest teachers in my lifetime. He is so patient and so good at getting any material across to the student whether it is military or Bible. Not long after getting here, though, Tom started having medical struggles that were not a big deal at first. But apparently it was a big deal to his coworkers because he heard many comments made to his face, behind his back when they thought he wasn't there and even had a blog written about him. Since arriving here, he has had 4 knee surgeries (he is now in a permanent knee brace to preserve his knee because his next surgery is total knee replacement), sinus surgery, and a cyst removed from his wrist. In 2004, he also injured his back and hasn't been the same since. For four years, he has been put on motrin and tylenol, given physical therapy and sent back up to fly, time after time, even though his pain was so bad.
Now we are faced with the diagnosis of CIDP (chronic inflammatory demylenating polyneuropathy---it's like Multiple Sclerosis of the legs), an autoimmune disease, which if untreated could eventually lead to life in a wheelchair, but we're grateful it was found. What that means is for the last 8 months of this life, Tom has had weakness, numbness and tingling as well as burning down his legs. He has had muscle wasting and has no reflexes in his left leg. At the end of a normal day for you and I, Tom feels like he just worked out at the gym for hours. It was not a diagnosis we were expecting but we serve a God who we know and trust has a perfect plan for our lives, this included. The treatment for this disease is steroids for a few months with about an 80% success rate of putting it in remission.
Now if anybody has ever taken steroids or even read about them, it is common knowledge that steroids cause tremendous weight gain and there is nothing that can change that. It has to do with too much cortisol in the body.
But now Tom is faced with his yearly Fitness test that is common knowledge about the military services. For the first 20 years, he has passed his Fitness testing. In the spring, he was made permanently exempt from pushups, situps and running for obvious reasons. However, there is still a waist measurement. Tom is on steroids. Of course he failed it horribly because of the scoring system. At first, we didn't fret. We believed the very Air Force we have given our lives to for 21 years would support this Career Airman who just wants to leave the Air Force in December with his dignity and physical body intact. We believed after having supporting documentation from two physicians and a pharmacist, they would understand the predicament he is in, 3 months shy of retiring from the Air Force.
We found out yesterday our faith was misplaced. Not only is my husband being put on the Weight Management Program his last 3 months of his 21 year military career, he will also receive punishment in the form of a letter of counseling that will go in his personal file because he is unable to maintain Air Force physical fitness standards.
When he shared this with me, I fell apart. I sobbed for what seems like forever because I am devastated at what the Air Force has chosen to do to my husband. Yet my sweet husband just sat there and let me cry and eventually came over and hugged ME (when I should've been hugging his neck) and assurred me he was fine! He reminded me of the very words I shared with him that morning, "God is allowing this to teach us something".
I'm not one to mutter the words, "that's not fair" because in reality, I don't deserve the very breaths I breathe day to day yet the Lord has given me a tremendous life that I am so thankful for. But I am struggling today to not mutter them on behalf of my husband. I wanted to go outside and scream and throw something, to break something, anything to take away the angst in my heart for him. After awhile, though, I fed off his attitude and tried to tuck it away and move on in our lives yesterday but my heart isn't the same. I do feel let down. I have worked hard to be a model Air Force wife by not complaining about anything he had to do and by keeping my tears to myself until he left on trips. I continued to keep our home and pay our bills and stuck by his side no matter what our military life handed him. Together, we loved what we were called to do, serve our country. *THAT* I wouldn't trade for anything.
I'm not sure what to do from here except what we always do, even if there are tears and a broken heart this time. We are going to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and not lean on our own understanding but in all our ways, we will acknowledge Him and He will direct our paths.

Our Baptist Box

2008-08-17T04:34:00.001-07:00

I've had a "cup runneth over weekend" and I haven't even hit Sunday services yet. God is so good to me! I've learned the last year something about me that I know now doesn't please the Lord. It's this box I lived in for years. I had good intentions like most people. My actions have always been to please the Lord but THANKFULLY His Word is eye opening and changes hearts--especially mine! Good intentions doesn't always mean obedience.
I used to wrap my arms around what is mine. My family especially. I still do that but more in a prayerful way than a physical way. I've seen too much fruit from it being His way vs my way. When we started going to Tabernacle Baptist Church here in Altus, OK back in 2004, we would not let our boys out of our sight. We fellowshipped with other believers and closed our hearts off to the world. The last almost 4 years have been so eye opening and at times painful. Change hurts but when it is from the Lord, the fruit it bears is beyond anything in words.
Our lives are not about US! Yes, the "programs" that we have to minister to the church itself is a blessing but not really scriptural. Does that make them wrong, no way! We are to etify one another and lift one another up. We are to sharpen one another as iron sharpenth iron. But how many churches and its members worry more about themselves then what the Lord has called us to do? Matthew 28 tells us to go out. Go out and tell others about Jesus!! It's what they did! The Lord used 12 men to change the world. Imagine now if we all were obedient to the Word of God, we could set the world on fire for this amazing Jesus! MY JESUS!! The One who forgave me and died when it was ME who should've died. The same Jesus Who empowers me to love others when in my flesh, Ha! not possible!
So how have we taken this and let it changed our lives? We are slowly turning from ourselves and making it about HIM by building relationships with others. It can start small like stepping out of your clique during a fellowship and go sit with the visitor. Shake the hands of every visitor who comes into the church services but better yet! Take them out to eat or have them over to your house. Most people who attend church are hurting and are seeking. WE HAVE WHAT THEY NEED. We slowly let our children serve the Lord apart from us and WOW! our lives have exploded. YES! We allow them to "hang" with the "bus kids" (I hate that word, they're souls whose parents do not attend church). Yes! They attend youth fellowships over and over alongside these other young people who do NOT have what we have. I've watched Tommy go week after week and spend time with the youth group kiddos, taking them out for ice cream and helping them with their homework, IN THEIR HOMES. It makes them more comfortable when we walk alongside them rather than stepping out in front and expecting them to behave like us.
Build relationships! One of the greatest pieces of wisdom I ever heard was someone say once, "Nobody cares what you know until they know you care". AMEN!! Stepping out of your comfort zone, or your Baptist box is not easy but it is scriptural and we are seeing fruit all over the place at our church and personally in my life.
Brethren, I encourage you to stop looking at yourselves and see the need in our world. Teach your people to go out. Be the leader and go out with them. Teach them what to do when they go out. Going out can be in so many ways. THAT IS THE POIINT OF WHO WE ARE!! What are we doing if we aren't telling others about Jesus. If we aren't loving the unlovable. I promise, there is not one person who could walk into a room that Jesus doesn't already love.

Unschticking my bread

2008-08-02T16:22:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had a memory or two you want to hold onto forever because it's sooo funny? The only reason I am writing this on here is not to enterain you but to allow me to reminisce some day! LOL
My first memory is of a wedding reception last Saturday. Weddings are mostly formal events so I try to behave myself for the sake of the bride and groom. So we're sitting with our friends, Shay and Dave and I'm eating a finger sandwich that is made of white bread. I rarely eat white bread and it's pretty fresh. So fresh that it gets stuck on the roof of my mouth. NO, I MEAN REALLY STUCK! So I try to be demure about it and not make a scene. I felt like a dog trying to lick peanut butter off the roof of my mouth without anyone knowing. IT DIDN"T WORK. I'm almost in panic mode...LOL so I whisper to my friend, Shay, "Shay, my bread is schtuck.". "WHAT?" a little louder whisper..."My bread is schtuck". "Then unstick it". "I can't, I've tried, it's REALLY SCHTUCK". (I'm not sure which is funnier, the fact that I'm in this predicament or that I now have a lisp but I don't care because I want the bread off the roof of my mouth!! LOL Shay, being the level headed sensible one of us says, "Just use your fork". It was a V8 moment! I had spent so much time worrying about it, I couldn't focus on the solution so....out the window goes any kind of manners and in the mouth goes my fork. I'm actually very manner conscious but I didn't even consider others around me.....and out comes the bread. Needless to say, I hear about that moment often. LOL

Another memory that is not so funny as it is sweet. In April, we were laying tile in our bathroom downstairs and once we pulled up the old tile, found a horrible mess. Clear down to the beams under the house, there had been a leak. The floor was rotted. After Tom started looking further into it, we discovered coming from the upstairs bathroom is according to a plumber a 10 year leak that was covered up by the prior owners. Because it is considered pre existing, our not one but TWO insurance companies won't touch it. It is now August and because we don't have the thousands it is going to take to fix it, we our one less bathroom upstairs and the one downstairs has no tile on the floor. There is also a hole in the corner that allows critters and bugs to come up. I have tried to be a good wife and not complain because this isn't something we can do without help financially and I know my husband is physically unable to fix all that is wrong. But I can't help to let out a squeal or a yelp when there are various bugs crawling through my house. It's not as bad as it sounds (did I really type this?). It's not a bunch at once but every so often, a new critter will be crawling in there. What is cute about that? My wonderful orange tabby cat Sophie. I hand picked Sophie and named her after one of my favorite Lori Wick books. I am not exagerrating when I share this. Almost every single solitary night since we have had the hole in the corner, Sophie has slept in the bathroom near the hole. I have come home at various times to find a number of dead bugs. I can do dead bugs! Just bring me a broom. But I've also watched her tackle quite a few lives ones as well as a mouse. I've learned what her attack stance is so I cheer her on which I think she likes. Please know I HATE bugs and I hate the situation but I see Sophie as a gift from God...seriously. I probably couldn't mentally handle this situation if it wasn't for her and her hunting prowess.
These were just memories worth saving.

My testimony at the ladies meeting tonight at church

2008-07-28T19:31:00.001-07:00

I have always believed in God as long as I can remember. My Grandma Max, mom’s mom, had a picture of Jesus hanging on her wall and a Bible on a small table in the living room below that picture. She had even taught me the sweet bedtime prayer of “Now I lay me down to sleep”. However, that is where my relationship stopped. I lived a typical childhood, only once ever going to church with my parents the entire time I lived at home. Their lives revolved around the VFW and Moose Lodge and mine revolved around me.
When I was 17, I joined the Air Force. It was that first Sunday in basic training that I quickly learned this world was way bigger than anything I could handle on my own. So I turned to God-like many people try to do when they are stuck in a valley that seems impossible to climb out of. For years I lived like that—believing and turning to God in times of need, recognizing His existence but when I was on the mountaintop, our relationship barely existed. Not because He went anywhere but because I had not yet learned to look to him at all times. At the age of 19, I met and married my husband, Tom, where we would randomly attend base chapel services.
I believed in God but never saw Him as more than some far away being in control. He had yet to become my Heavenly Father nor did I have a clue who Jesus was. I continued to search but continued to come up empty in all the wrong places.
After we were married in 1989, I began to naively put all my trust and faith in Tom. Of course, being human, he continually let me down. Because of my constant need for “something”, I actually ended up smothering him right out of our home and almost out of our marriage.
At this point in my life, I can honestly say was the darkest hour I had yet to know. I was a 23 year old single mom raising a 3 year old and a 9 month old with a husband I continued to play tug of war with. It was a constant roller coaster ride with no end in sight.
Fortunately, I had a neighbor invite me to church during this very dark time in my life. Up to this point, I had finally had a head knowledge of who Jesus was and was grateful for His sacrifice for my sins. I had even asked forgiveness of my sins but that is where it all stopped. I continued to trust ME and what I did for my salvation. When a different neighbor explained to me that Jesus had paid the entire sacrifice and set me free was the day I count as my salvation. It was the day I freely accepted His gift in my heart but it stopped there. I did not attend church, read my Bible, nor pray. I had no understanding of these things.
Through my darkest hour, when my neighbor, Debbie, continued to bug me about coming to church, I finally relented. I will admit I was doing it more to get her off my back but somewhere wanted to believe what she had told me about what church could do for me.
The church she invited me to was an Independent Baptist Church. Right away, I knew it was different than any other church I had ever attended and quickly learned it was because of the power of God’s Word. After that first visit, I wanted to return. I wanted to hear more of God’s Word and how It could change my life. I spent weeks upon weeks bawling through every service because I felt as if the Lord was sitting down with me every church service and giving me exactly what I needed. I left there every service with less darkness in my life. Because I recognized where my power was coming from, I was able to set my husband free and place my trust in my new Savior. I was beginning to feel free and grew to truly grasp who Jesus was and what He did for me. I remember the very day I fell in love with Him in a way that to this day, I feel for nothing else. To this day, because of the drastic change in my life, I cannot fathom not attending every church service. I do not say that with any haughtiness, it was just a lesson I learned easily and still never leave here the same as when I came through the door. His Word continues to change me and give me the power and strength I need to live this life of mine.
So Psalm 62 holds a lot of truth in my own life. I KNOW and believe that God ONLY is my rock. 2 He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved.
I no longer trust in any other human being to be what I know I have in my Lord Jesus.
5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.
7 In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.

The year this all started happening was in 1994. My relationship with the Lord, my Heavenly Father, my rock, my strength, my refuge, has continued to grow and has yet to stop. I take these Words in scripture to heart because I can honestly stand here today and tell you they are true without hesitation.

We all have struggles in our lives. I have yet to meet anyone who lives a perfect life. You may have relationship struggles with your husband or with your children or maybe with your parents. I have friends who like to share with me the things they have learned on the latest talk show about relationships or I’ll even hear stuff at work. I often hear the words, “I just don’t know what to do”. I may not know what to do anymore than the next person but I know where to go to find any wisdom to any situation in my life. Yet I learned years ago just what Psalms 62 says. 8 ¶ Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.

Divorce energy

2008-07-19T07:02:00.001-07:00

I cannot count the number of friends and coworkers who are going through a divorce or who have gone through one--yes even faithful Christian couples. I have to be very careful in my wording because I never want to come across haughty because I have to work very hard DAILY to keep it from happening in my home. As I watch these couples battle it out over this and that, paying THOUSANDS of dollars for lawyers, I am befuddled. These are couples who had financial issues yet now they have money for a lawyer? These couples spend hours upon hours sharing their woes and tales about the other spouse, writing this down, telling that lie. It wears me out emotionally to be on the receiving end of this so I cannot imagine what it must be like to live it.
As I was praying for one couple in particular, it occurred to me two days ago. If all the divorced couples would take the energy they are putting into their divorce and their new boyfriend/girlfriends, their marriage could be salvaged and with that a lot less pain involved for many. The children would sleep again at night. This new found money for the lawyers could be invested in a number of things--my preference is the church and the mission field! THAT has eternal rewards!
Divorce has a trickle down effect that I'm certain those involved are not aware of it until they are going through it. It not only affects the couple, but the children, the parents of the couple, friends who are now having to choose which side to support. Last but certainly not least is what does it do to the church family? God ordained marriage so what is wrong with our society that we forget that and constantly put ourselves first. That's what divorce is...putting ME first.
Once again, please know there is not haughtiness as I type this. I am distraught and frustrated and hurt. I hurt for the kids of the parents who believe the lie that their children will be fine. IT IS NOT TRUE! I am 38 years old and I still have nightmares that I cannot control over my childhood. It was hideous the actions of my parents.
I realize my small rant here isn't going to change anything but I can control me and my actions and learn from the actions of others. I have learned how painful it is to be the daughter of divorced parents. I know from the short period in my marriage how it affected my own child when my husband left for awhile. (we praise the Lord for His healing--we could not be us without HIM) I try to give good godly counsel to anyone coming to me about their marriage which is often but most of the time, it does no good.
So for now, I will continue to pray for those and hope for a miracle because I am living one and going on 20 years doing it! Second, I will, by God's grace and mercy continue to guard my family with my whole heart. Third, I will put my energy into my husband and our kids and our home. I will not find fault but will count my blessings. I will ask the Lord to give me HIS eyes to see my husband because mine are fault finding. Last but not least, I will thank the Lord for HIS Word that when we heed it, can change our hearts about anything!!

Haughtiness in a Christian

2008-07-15T04:38:00.000-07:00

If there is one lesson I've learned more than any other since attending my current church almost 4 years ago it is that I am no better than anyone else. Quite the contrary, when I compare myself to Who my Savior is, UGH. It breaks my heart to see the real me.
So as a Christian, who do we think we are to stick our noses in the air to anyone else?
We have a doc in our little town and she has become a friend of mine over the last couple of years. We "met" on the computer when I commented on her blog and have shared many many emails back and forth since then. The Lord has used her greatly to see how our haughtiness affects people.
Just a few years ago, this doc had many piercings and wears her tattoos proudly. She is a little on the loud side verbally with colorful language. But she is lost and needs the Lord Jesus in her life so what's the problem? We cannot expect anyone who doesn't know the Lord and His Word to act any different. I cried when she shared with me how she has had people come to her for care and ask her about her faith and when they found out she wasn't a Christian, they stopped going to her or some of the things people said to her were HIDEOUS. I'm appalled at the behavior at my Christian brethren!! Nowhere does Jesus condem people for their sin but offers them away out of it through HIM. WE should do the same!! He loved people where they were. He did not expect more of them than who they were at that very moment that He met them. So where is our grace towards the lost?
I love the challenge of loving people. I loved the challenge of loving her because I knew that eyebrows would be raised but I was SO PROUD of my pastor and my church when they embraced her--tattoos and all. And guess what? IT MADE A DIFFERENCE in her! As far as we know, she has not gotten saved but she sincerely loves me and my pastor and his wife. She trusts us and knows we are there for her. When she had emergency back surgery, we supplied her with meals. She was soo taken back by those actions that are so commonplace amongst ourselves. She met with our pastor after her surgery and spent hours in conversation with him.
I was reminded again through caring for one of her patients in Same Day Surgery yesterday how important it is to not give up on her or any soul we've tried to reach. I now have one of her patients praying with us for her.
So brethren, don't be afraid to step out of your box. Love the ones labeled unlovable by our society because nowhere in the Bible was there even one person Jesus didn't love, NOT ONE. Embrace them with your heart and prayers...tatoos, language, actions, all of it! Take this challenge...the next time the Lord allows your path to cross with someone different than you, find one good thing about them and talk to them about it. They may have fifty piercings and 20 tattoos but maybe they have a shirt on and you like the color of it. Tell them something to start bridging into a relationship because it's not about the external...it's not about what the world says...it's about what JESUS SAYS AND DOES as an example to us.
I absolutely promise it will knock your socks off when you see their reaction to your attention and affection because unfortunately, we are not known for our love very often.

What is your Ninevah

2008-07-13T18:41:00.001-07:00

Our pastor is out of town for a leadership conference in Cali so his son filled in tonight behind the pulpit. I couldn't wait to get home and type about this because as simple as it may seem, it was so profound and thought provoking.
How many times have I read about Jonah or heard the story being told to children? TONS! But tonight I was challenged with a reality--I'm no different than Jonah. OUCH. I was challenged with what is my Ninevah? So I asked the Lord. I can tell you that I sincerely and honestly desire to do my best for the Lord, however, I am just a sinner saved by grace...a sinner with rose colored glasses that doesn't see me in the same light as the Lord. That is unfortunate because how much more blessed I would be if I could put myself completely to the side and see only through HIS eyes.
So what is my Ninevah? What do I refuse to do for the Lord? A few things came to mind when pondering it and praying about it. I'm not sure I like what was revealed but it is something I need to evaluate.
What is your Ninevah? What has the Lord asked you to do that you make excuses for or flat out say no to? I cannot fathom telling the Lord no but I do it! I do it when he nudges me to give a tract and I claim to be in too much of a hurry...or to knock on just one more door. I beg forgiveness for all of my Ninevah's because our Lord is so merciful and full of grace. He loves me like none other and He deserves for me to put ALL my Ninevah's aside.

Sunday at last!

2008-07-13T04:40:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite day of the week! Imagine being empty with no energy. This is my place to refill for the following week! Nothing changes you like the Word of God and on Sundays I get to hear it three times! I also get to hear what the Lord has been up to in the lives of those I've been praying for. He is such a good God..a merciful God..a forgiving God..a loving God..but also a just God. I never want to forget His holiness. I want it to be what motivates me in all my ways.