Finding My Way

For my entire adult life, since the age of 20, my identity was redefined by my caregiving of someone else...Toms wife...Tommy and Alex's Mama, Homeschooling Mom, Moms guardian and then Moms caregiver in my home. My life has been so full and character building teaching me to live life for others, NOT for me. I have had an exciting dream filled life so far, though, because of the grace and love of my husband and the cheerleading section of my boys and mom. Hopefully, though, they knew and still know my heart and sincere prayer at all times was to keep them first,  aligning with scripture.
Now my roles are being redefined yet again and I'm feeling slightly squirmy about it. It's crazy how I can love and hate something at the same time. Tommy Jr, who God used to teach me to love someone more than myself, has his own sweet wife and three daughters...and on that date of marriage, Ash became his number one girl. Over time it appears we have a sweet balance and I love the rare times I get to hop back into the mama role for a brief minute or two when asked. But as much as I love and miss them terribly, I have a deep peace with our new relationship/friendship.
It's only been a year that my last boy left the nest and if I wanted to be honest, my heart hasn't quite caught up with my head. Part of me feels like it's not real and I'll wake up. I struggle with the finality of his absence because Alex has always been such a physical presence in my life, joining my friends and me in all our fun. But he's serving our country now and nursing our military men and women in Mississippi and I wouldn't think of ever wishing him home either. Neither of them, unless God called them back here.
Then there's my role as moms guardian and caregiver. It's is/was the absolute most challenging in pulling me out of my "me box". The last two years have been the hardest of my life but without a doubt, it was the right thing to do. Bringing anyone into your home is challenging but add to the equation a physically and handicapped mom...well...lets just be truthful...there were a lot of tears of angst. I felt terribly inept at all times, in spite of my nursing license. She needed every meal cooked for her, medicine given to her, laundry done, housekeeping, and caregiving....MD appointments, shopping, etc. My entire life revolved around caring for her at all times and it was SO HARD. Even so, if given a choice, there was nowhere else I'd want her to be. My greatest challenge, though, was guarding my marriage through it all. Scripturally, Tom was to be my number one but life and it's wrenches brought me to my knees a number of times on how to do that and not compromise Moms
safety. Of course the Lord provided loving caregivers and friends that allowed us to sneak away for a weekly date. Time alone was so treasured for us.
....Gone. It's over. All the energy in caring for them all has to find a new place. Thankfully, I have a precious man who loves the Lord and loves spending time with me. Although I would give anything for mom to be back home...to not still cry every single day because I'm still just so overwhelmingly sad that my mom is quadrapalegic, I refuse to let her accident destroy me emotionally, thus destroying my marriage. Every day, Tom and I purpose to do something to connect, to protect the relationship that started it all, over 27 years ago.  Toms love and grace for me has certainly been the glue that has held us together the last six months..love and grace that he cultivates from his own relationship with the Lord. Moms accident changed me. I fell to mush, literally a puddle in the hands of the Lord. Every day is a challenge to "keep it together". On the harder days, with a soft voice and holding my hand, Tom will pray with me. On the less difficult days, he still holds my hand as we slowly, with trepidation, explore the area and find something, anything, to do together. Because before mom, and before the boys, and through it all was the military, dictating all the missed birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, thus making this new season so treasured for us.
So now, I'm prayerfully trying to find my way, always holding onto the Lord with one hand and Tom with the other. I'm able to spend more time nursing which I love. And a new adventure has possibly opened up and I'll be trying out for a role in our local play for Little Women. Whether I'm chosen or not, just finding the courage to try out was a huge step for me. I've also taken up the craft of acrylic painting...slowly.
So in spite of missing the role of mom to my boys and missing them and missing the role of caregiver to my mom and Air Force wife to Tom...now I will take life one day at a time. Resting in the peace I did my best in every role and did it prayerfully and passionately...and will continue to prayerfully and passionately care for the first role in life...as Toms wife...and learn to create a new path and purpose for us, as a couple, in whatever direction the Lord calls.