Rewriting my Past

Imagine that much of what has defined you the last 41 years of your life wasn't true. Imagine hearing for the first 16 years that the man who adopted you as an infant, "Doesn't love you. Doesn't want you. Signed away his rights to you." Over and over again this was told to me while growing up. I was also made privy to this man's short marriage to my mom and learned through her constant bitterness what a horrible man he had to be. Yet over and over again I was sent to this "horrible man's" home, every other weekend and two weeks out of the summer. FOR YEARS AND YEARS.
Can you even fathom the chaos within? I HATE divorce. If you are my friend you know that about me. And this very scenario is why. It was my life. I wasn't allowed to love said man yet was sent to his home and injected into his life.
I cannot begin to put into words how much I hated that part of my life growing up. None of it made sense and I walked around in a cloud of confusion and fear. I am, by nature, a people pleaser or rather someone who lives more comfortably in a peaceful environment. To this day I am like that. I yearn for constant peace and although life doesn't always allow that, I do strive for it and that is evident in my actions in my relationships.
I am wondering as I type this, am I conveying the angst in my heart that I lived with the first 16 years of my life? There is nothing quite like rejection. As children, well humans really, we just want to be loved. It's how we are created. So to this day, the adults who openly loved me during my childhood remain very special to me and I try to keep in touch with them. And they know who they are.
Once I was 16 however, and a bit more in control of my life, I decided to back away from this relationship with this man. It just seemed easier, less chaotic, and more peaceful. It was outwardly, I admit that. But over the years, as I grew into adulthood and became a parent, I started questioning my choice. Every so often I would pull that past relationship off the shelf and re-evaluate the possibility of its presence back in my life. It honestly never seemed possible. I couldn't fathom purposely walking back into that cloud of chaos. I never once considered how this man felt about me walking away. I felt like I was doing it to survive.
A great illustration in my mind, in my reality growing up is a tug of war. The horrible man on one side and my mom and new dad on the other, pulling for dear life. I just wanted to be loved. And I honestly just wanted to be allowed to love them all.
You should know, however, I do not allow myself to be a victim. I will never be one of those adults on a talk show talking about how my parents messed up my life. Also over the years, as I grew as a parent and wife, I began to understand that all parties involved loved me the best they knew how given the tools they had received from their parents and loved ones. I had made peace, or so I thought, with all relationships.
Two years ago, I was going through some papers, one being my birth certificate. And it hit me. HARD. I knew with all my heart it was a nudging from the Lord because there is no way in my own flesh I could've felt such sorrow. He was my legal father. Although I hadn't allowed him to be the dad of my heart, for the first time, questioned how my choice made him feel. I started praying because it would take a miracle for this to be.
Do you know my God? HA! He is so awesome and has loved me like nobody else on this earth, NOBODY. His unconditional love, His Word, is what has drawn me so tightly to Him over the years. He has filled in the gaps of what I had been missing and honestly, was allowed to become my Alpha Father. He is also a God of miracles. And a God of conviction to do right, to be pleasing to Him. I knew in my heart that at least praying about this relationship would please Him. I sure didn't know where to go from here because I had so much fear of this man but I knew my steps would be guided.
About a year or so ago I came across this man on Facebook. I left a short messae just confirming that it was him and although scared to death, I had PEACE. It took about another six months until I heard back from him and by then I had honestly re-shelved worrying about it. The first message already started new confusion but brought me such joy. The second and third message and on and on continued to confuse me. He was so kind to me. He sincerely seemed to be interested in my life and hearing about me. I was so untrusting that I came up with a very personal question that only he would know to make sure it was him because I had started to like this horrible man. I started looking forward to hearing from him and relished the joy in my heart knowing I was pleasing the Lord. But there was no turning back. I knew I was doing the right thing...by slowly and surely getting to know him for who he was. Not for who others said he was.
There was and honestly still is trepidation at others knowing he is back in my life. Remember I'm a peacemaker and I assume this will upset people who were told the same things I was and who have the same perception I had all those years. But this is why I love the Lord. He won't let me be. Truth ALWAYS prevails and that is what is happening here. What I love is that the truth is being set free without the tug of war.
I got to meet my dad during my trip to Ohio last week for the first time in almost 25 years. I had prayed about it first, asking the Lord if it was time. I received peace and called him once I got to Ohio. Imagine my surprise when he returned my call and was so excited to see me. I'm still trying to digest his love for me. Slowly but surely, however, the truth is rewriting who I am. Our time together was so precious. He smiled a lot. A LOT. For the three hours we were togther, his eyes were rarely without tears and sometimes they fell on his face. I was a myriad of emotions. I was scared. I was excited. I was relieved. I was at peace. And found out, through this time, that I was loved. He DID want me. He DID love me. In his heart, all these years, I was his daughter. It broke his heart to not have me in his life and he didn't know what to do about it. He had tried to find me and was roadblocked. And finally, around 2002, walked away from any effort.
So now I'm digesting the truth and setting any possible anger aside. I am reaching out for the love and most important, the truth. I am doing what I believe is the right thing. I am NOT trying to replace my dad I lost to cancer 8 years ago. That is a totally different relationship that I pridefully hold close to my heart because he openly loved me and before he left this earth, made things right with me as well.
As I move ahead, I look forward to getting to know my dad for who he is. I'll never forget sitting in front of him, a broken man with regrets but also sadness at not having had his children in his life the last 20 years. He hates it. And as a parent, I cannot fathom what was done to him. As a daughter, however, I have every intention of doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord and embracing the truth.

What about that Grace?

Grace.
I remember when I first became a believer at the age of 24 that it was a common new word in my vocabulary. I remember it being mentioned often in sermons and in Sunday School lessons. And as my relationship with the Lord grew, I caught a small glimpse of what His grace exactly is. I remember the moment "I got it". Ha! Don't misunderstand. I've not "arrived" by any means and never expect to. But I do remember the lightbulb going on concerning exactly what THE gift was that the Lord gave to me. It was an overwhelming understanding of His death on the cross IN MY PLACE. It took my breath away!
Grace.
I do know that oftentimes we can take it for granted. I do know that because we hear the word so often in songs and in preaching, we may skim over it as we listen or sing.
Then life as you know it crumbles around you. You lay in a heap on the floor, unable to breathe, unable to see past your own pain. The spraypaint of someone's sin made you the bull's eye. Blurry vision. Engulfing darkness. The most crippling pain you know in your lifetime. Although it feels as if it goes on forever, it can't.
Grace.
It can't go on. Not when Grace has stepped before you. Grace is the extended hand of God that pulls you up. That breathes new life into you. That gives you a new vision. That turns bad into good. It is the very gift that turns every scripture and promise of God into reality.
Grace is real now. I will never be able to skim past it again. It has been my lifeline to survival. I describe Grace as a bridge to the impossible. There are many moments in our humanity that are greater than we are but God says, "with me all things are possible".
Grace. I give thanks for it daily. Often throughout my days because there are many moments within that seem impossible. Impossible to do right. Impossible to move forward. Impossible to be Christ-like. Impossible to be who He created me to be.
But for Grace. As I slowly but most assuredly one step at a time, move out of this valley onto the mountaintop, I will soak in every moment of grace I am reminded whether through song or hymn or scripture. Through victories shared in other's lives. It may be the smile of another or a hug or a note. In whatever avenue the Lord God chooses to reveal His grace to me, I will stand here with open arms, not only ready to receive it, but recognizing my NEED to receive it.
Life is just too hard. I give up. I cannot do this on my own.

A New Attitude

I have a confession to make. It's not that I don't value life and hold it dear. It's not that I'm not compassionate with my patients. But I wasn't always sad when someone of an older age slipped away into eternity, especially when I knew where their eternity was.

Yesterday my whole world has changed and now I get it. I get why family members are devastated, even if the patient is in their 90's. I'm thinking, "this patient has had a long life". The family is thinking, "they ARE my life". I'm thinking, "they will no longer have to suffer their physical ailments". The family is thinking, "what am I going to do without them here? My heart hurts so much!".

In my heart, for years, I've always treasured that my Grandpa has lived into his late 80's and I can tell you I do NOT take that for granted. I thank the Lord for that man all the time because I love him SO MUCH. He helped to raise me. Much of who I am today is because of what he taught me. I have a lot of his personality. He is sincerely and truly one of the nicest people I know. And love me. Oh my does that man love me. I never once doubted, throughout my entire childhood that he loved me. EVER. And in my head, I know that life comes to an end. I'm a nurse for crying out loud. I KNOW.

Has your heart ever been run over by a mack truck? Ok, so yesterday, mine hurt so much that it was hard to breathe. Literally. It became apparent to my heart that my Grandpa has turned a terrible cross road that he may or may not be able to turn back on. He made some stubborn choices health wise that has put him in the hospital and the next step must be a nursing home, at least for awhile. The nursing home is actually a rehab center and I've seen them do a good job with people but this is MY Grandpa. I want it to be temporary. I want him to come home. But I'm a nurse and I know this may or may not happen. I know that when he goes there, calling him is almost impossible. He uses a speaker phone at home, otherwise he cannot hear. I can write but I'm not sure how well he sees. All of this is causing tears again. He is almost 89 years old. He's lived a long life, right? But he's MY GRANDPA.

The Grandpa who used to sit me on his lap and I called him Poppy. Together we solved all of the world's problems. The same Grandpa who fixed me a bowl of ice cream every single night of my life that I stayed in his home. The Grandpa who never let me walk home from school and faithfully, no matter what time of the day or night, would wait outside the band room door to pick me up. Grandpa, the man who made sure I had shoes that didn't have holes in them and a new Easter dress. Grandpa, the man who surprised me with my first bike. Grandpa, who knows no stranger and is one of the sweetest men on this planet. Grandpa who bought me my first tape recorder and saved it as the last present the Christmas of my third grade year. Grandpa who proudly introduced me to anyone willing to meet me as his granddaughter, "Wendy Jayne". As I grew into an adult, and had children, Grandpa always made sure he took us out to eat at his favorite restaurant to meet his favorite waitresses. Grandpa who made sure MY boys had the same ice cream when we stayed with him. The list of who he is to me is endless. As the years have gone on and I'm forty now and my children are young adults, he remains a part of my life daily; through my memories, and through my walk in life. I talk to him on the phone a couple of times a month because he lives 20 driving hours away. He's been there since I took my first breath and I've never known my life without him. I cannot put into words how profound his presence in my life has been. I've tried to let him know how much I love and appreciate him over the years. I've even received persecution from family because he loved me so much.

So now I get it. That 91 year old who is coming in for a stomach surgery to hopefully save his life is someone's daddy or grandaddy or friend. The 88 year old chemo patient is someone's Grandma or Mama or wife. They have also mattered to someone over the entire course of their life. Someone is crying over them and are thankful for them. I sincerely, to the bottom of my heart, get that now. It has changed me and who I am as a nurse. I have new eyes and a new heart to care for my geriatric patients that I already loved anyway. Now I've learned to love them through their family's eyes as well.

My heart is reconciling what my head has known for years but oh my does it hurt. I have sobbed and cried and wailed. Others see me as someone strong but what others often don't know is how deeply I love. Of course only the Lord knows what my Grandpa's future holds. For now I will wait and pray and pray and pray. I will also make sure that none of this is in vain and will allow it to alter who I am. Much like my Grandpa has been doing my whole life.

What's on my mind and heart

With the healthcare reform passing through this week, I've been a bit overwhelmed. I've found myself tempted to just walk away because none of this is a surprise and our country, in its moral downfall, deserves anything we reap. But God's Word NEVER gives me permission to be apathetic. As tempting as it is to just "go with the flow"....that is certainly NOT the example our Jesus gave to us. Jesus never went with the "status quo"..NEVER. However, He was all about His Father's business. THAT is what is on my heart today.

Recently I was made aware of some really terrible behavior from a family we looked to for Christian growth a few years ago. OF COURSE it bothered me. It hurt. I cried. But I started to think highminded of ME and quickly the Holy Spirit knocked me right back to where I belong. I'm thankful to say the highmindedness lasts less than a second now. I've been learning how little I am compared to our Holy God. I'm a mere human, a sheep that is not very smart...that this Holy God allows to be used by Him in spite of my own terrible behavior. Because in reality, I have plenty of my own that would disappoint those who look up to us. Oftentimes, however, this disappointing behavior becomes an excuse to walk away from our amazing God. This is something I'm extremely prayerful about....at times I have felt the temptation. It does "seem" like it would be easier to hole up in our house and do nothing...feel nothing...and deal with nothing...but if you have any type of relationship with the Lord...if you are in His Word for even a second a day....the Holy Spirit would never let that happen for long. About six months ago, I remember a crossroads in my life...a moment of commitment. A moment of, "He's worth it all, no matter what". No matter how others disappoint me. No matter how much I am hurt by others as I try to lead them. HE IS WORTH IT ALL. There will never be a time in my life that I can do what Jesus did for me. He willingly laid His very life down for me. FOR ME. The one with the bad behavior! Regardless of my emotions. I will contend for the faith. I will contend for the Only thing that matters.
For whatever reason, the Lord is allowing people to cross my path who have chosen to walk away. As an emotional female, it is tempting to hear their stories of "woe" and tell them certainly the Lord understands your decision to walk away from the church. To stop reading your Bible. To stop trying to live Holy and instead take advantage of His grace. It is TEMPTING BUT WRONG. When my emotions are tempted to fail me, I have to delve into God's Word to do and say what is right. I have to encourage others that no matter what man has failed you...it is never ever ok to walk away. That is not in His Word anywhere. Our emotions alone are not sinful...God created us with emotions but our actions that come from those emotions are where we need to guard ourselves. I think sometimes people must think I'm robotic but if they only knew how hard it is to not fall away just like they have. I'm not sadistic by nature. I don't enjoy the persecution that comes with loving the Lord. I don't enjoy the lies and the gossip. I don't enjoy the rudeness to my face. It hurts and I think I'm ultra sensitive and it often can stay with me for weeks. I think at times it may be the stronghold the devil uses to try to cripple me. But my SWORD is stronger. And I keep it in the forefront of my heart and mind.

As I watch my country continue to spiral downward with the heaviest of hearts...I will continue to cling to my Savior. To try to make a difference one soul at a time. To pray for the heads of my government that with some hope they will hear the Truth and serve through it. And always always remember, on the worst and disheartening of days, HE IS WORTH IT.

Grace everywhere

Almost weekly, our pastor gives us a chance to stand up and give testimony of "something God has done in your life this week". I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is not to stand there ALL NIGHT and testify of His goodness to me! There isn't a second in my life that the Lord isn't doing something through us, to us, for us, etc. He blesses me so much and my family so much that it's embarassing because I know my heart. I know how wicked I am. But His grace. Ohhhh His grace. It's something we've sang about for years...read about commonly because the word is everywhere but only recently am I starting to get a beginner's grasp on it.

You know those moments in your life that you look back on and think, "wow! How did I get through THAT?".
Grace
When you've shared the Gospel with someone who then decides they cannot deal with your life in the Lord and turn their back on your friendship after 30 years and you can turn to the next person and give the Gospel?
Grace.
That moment when you have someone angry or upset at you and are humiliating you and you are able to keep your mouth shut?
Grace
When your child sins against God and you want to pelt him but instead get on your knees to find out what the Lord would have you do?
Grace
The days your spouse is a little off and may say something that hurts your feelings and you feel like running away but don't?
Grace
Those days at work that should overwhelm you but you are able to stay calm and collected? Grace
That lady at church that loves to share her opinion with you about everything and you keep smiling because your opinion comes from the Holy Spirit?
Grace
You have more bills than money this month but you do not fret. You know God's Word tells us to trust Him. To NOT fear. And you do trust and you don't fear.
Grace.
And one of my daily favs: you sin against God yourself...it's not even about what has been done to you but what you have done to God...in your heart...with your tongue...in your actions....yet when you turn around, He continues to bless you!
GRACE!!!!! GRACE!!!! WONDERFUL GRACE!!!!

If I had one wish...one sincere to my core heart's desire, it would be for every human I know to have this kind of a relationship with the Savior. I'm nothing special but He loves me in a way that says otherwise. But He doesn't stop at me! He died for the whole world! This kind of life is available to everyone!

Grace, it's just that simple.

A New Point of View

I have been chomping at the bit to write about the last week of my life. I am a myriad of emotions, still. Thrilled to have electricity finally but realizing my happiness does not lie in something I do not NEED. Agitated at myself because I am so aware of my time now and how I spent it WASTED on the computer! Joyful that the Lord provided for our family in so many ways as well as protected us. And slightly mournful at the loss of so much wonderful family time that was like a dream come true for me. Honestly.
Last Wednesday, the weather was a balmy 70 degrees here in SW Oklahoma. NOBODY believed the weather forecast that the next day was to bring treacherous weather. I recall my husband slightly scoffing at the predictions. However, I have learned over the years to be slightly prepared. SLIGHTLY. That meant being aware of the half tank of gas in our tank. Picking up some bread and milk and taking inventory of my freezer. When we went to bed Wednesday night...it was warm!
And the weather mocked us the next a.m. We woke up to freezing rain, more rain at the time but as the day progressed, I saw a storm I had never seen in my life. EVER. (and I'm from the north so not much about winter shocks me) I stayed in denial for a good portion of the day procrastinating about online bill pay issues believing that I would get to it later. I spent it reading and picking up but not much else. Not even online believing I would get on later. Thursday evening, we found ourselves without power. This was after watching tree after tree snap apart limb by limb. Loud snaps could be heard hundreds of feet away. Still in denial, I hunkered down for the night believing power would be restored through the night. I was so wrong. Waking up to complete darkness, not just in my home but also looking out my door and seeing nothing town-wide choked me up. I didn't like it. I HATE darkness as a matter of fact. I sat in my den staring at the window waiting for the light to come through.--for a good hour. At around 7ish, I saw a light and actually cried. I was so grateful to know that regardless of the power situation, we would have daylight.
You should know that I talked to God about this a lot. I know how much He loves me and believed with all my heart that restoring my power was important to Him because I asked. I still believe that but wasn't prepared for what I discovered the next day as I slowly and stupidly drove through town. Devastation. Wastelands is the word my son used. And the roads were clear and dry. I don't believe a tree was left untouched. Power lines everywhere were down, and entire poles were toppled over as well. Cars were crushed. Roofs caved in. I just took it in in wonderment at the power of God and how little control we really have.
On Saturday, I was on call for the OR but believed I would not get called. I was snapped back to reality when we got an emergent case where an airway was compromised. Not only was I dealing with this situation, I was dealing with what was going on around us outside. The OR nurses confessed to feeling a little out of sorts but were able to be part of a team that saved this life. It was never far from the back of our mind, however, at the situation around us affecting every person in our town. Looking out the hospital windows was overwhelming. There was no end in sight.
I mentioned that I talked to the Lord about this often throughout. One of my heart's desire was for our family to maintain a spirit of gratitude and thankfulness. I wanted our hearts to rejoice in something far more important than not having electricity and that was what the Lord was providing for us. I rejoiced at hearing my husband and son give thanks out loud when they looked around and saw the gas fireplace and felt warmth, or saw the tree limb next to the cars, not on them, as they ate warm food that was cooked by my husband. I also desired to have the Lord's eyes for this situation...a tool to reach others and show His love. I also recognized that this was one of the hardest times of my life to give when I felt almost in survival mode. I asked Him to just open the doors for me and kick me through them, otherwise I would hole up in my security blanket of my home.
Friday evening I got to volunteer as a nurse at the local shelter. All I did was help run a first aid station but it also got me into the community to see all that we did have. I started praying for the crews who were fixing the power lines. I prayed for opportunities to share God's goodness. And I prayed for HIS strength to maintain a smile for those around me, to include my sweet husband and teenage son.
After my long day in the OR, thankfully I was so physically exhausted, I almost just passed out on the couch to wake up the next morning to more darkness. This time I didn't cry. I rejoiced because my family was going to get to go to church. No, there wasn't electricity and no there wasn't heat but we didn't care. Going to church is who we are and it felt so good to have a piece of normal in our lives for even just an hour. Everyone was dressed like everyone else in town. Cold and bundled up! The preaching was PHENOMENAL. It was a sweet tender reminder to give thanks in ALL things. Many people gave testimonies of the goodness of God. I left with tears in my eyes. People were smiling and genuinely happy to be there. Since there would be no power at church nor night church, we were on the lookout for a place to do laundry. Just one load. But we were quickly reminded how far the devastation went. Thankfully we have friends in a town about 30 minutes away who had generator power and offerred us the use of their washer/dryer. Fortunately, everyone piled in the car with me and we got to spend the afternoon fellowshipping with one of our favorite families from church while playing games, talking, baking cookies and passing a newborn babe around. I left there so uplifted.
Monday came in total darkness but it was no longer a surprise. I got ready to head to the hospital and didn't know where I would be working, just that I would be helping somewhere. The drive in total darkness was eerie, I will admit. At times I wasn't sure where I was. I got to help in ICU and spent twelve hours watching three families focus on their family members on ventilators. My attention was totally diverted for the day to the lives and families of others. I did miss the daylight and headed home after dark. My precious husband had spent the day cleaning what he could and making dinner for me on the grill. I cried as I realized what God had given us through this horrible trial. He was so good to me. I often have to remind Him who I am...what a horrible person I am on the inside....all the while knowing His grace is sufficient and that is why I am so loved.
Tuesday was my husband's birthday and I felt sad that much of it would be overlooked. After much contemplation, we decided to head to a town two hours away to do laundry and visit with our son and girlfriend during dinner for my husband's birthday. We were both surprised and a bit emotional that in spite of the heated room, the televison, internet and lights, we both just wanted to be at home. We realized then we did not NEED electricity. We had all we need. We have a loving Savior Who gave ALL for me! for ME! I never went without food or water. We had a solid sturdy home to sleep in and two cars that were working. We had money in our account and was able to get anything we needed. And sitting in church on Sunday, we have been given a wonderful pastor who preaches TRUTH.
By Wednesday, although getting power was never far from anyone's mind, it wasn't close to my heart. I continued to have a peace that passeth all understanding that I knew was a gift from the Lord. I had the Holy Spirit Who directed my thoughts and actions. I was still able to read God's Word every day and God was never more than a breath away. I never considered He was sick of me, rather how much I enjoyed the closer fellowship as I needed HIS strength to calm my flesh down. Word started spreading that the power was coming on section by section in our town. I was so happy for those families! Many had no heat, no water, no lights, NOTHING. I was embarrassed at God's goodness to us. Not embarrassed about HIM but about me..a no good sinner.
Then came the unexpected grief that I am struggling with even now. Getting my electricity back would mean no more entire days with my family in the same room or two. The busyness of our lives would be sure to return. Jobs would have to be attended to. (jobs we are so very grateful for) School would be back in session. Church will be in full swing. I love every aspect of our lives but I will confess. This last week was a dream for me. I spent more time with my family than I have in years. We played games together, we read books in the same room and discussed them. We shared dinner every day together in the same room at the same time. It was a wonderful time of respite and renewal.
So Lord, THANK YOU. Thank you for giving us this precious time together that I never want to forget. I want to learn from this the important aspects of life and give only a small amount of my attention to what I realize doesn't matter much at all.

Our Moment on the Mountain

We have had some exciting events take place in our home the last few weeks. Moments that are jaw dropping to say the least but isn't that just like our Lord?
If there was another title for this, it would be, "There are no words". No words to describe how grateful we are, how excited we are, how honored we are, how humbled we are at HIS perfect plans for us. And it's difficult to describe the angst in our heart just a little over a year ago. We tried to keep it to ourselves because we wanted to be a good testimony to those around us but we literally cried...a few times...when the Lord made it apparent our plans were not HIS. We were sincere in our efforts to do what we believed He was leading us to do....but He said NO. We submitted.
In the fall of 2007, we found out we HAD to get orders. (I'll always remember the pale look on my husband's face when he came home that day and I forced him to tell me what was wrong.) My poor husband tried every which way to get out of that and the Lord kept closing the doors. It was a time of chaos for us because I was in the middle of RN school and Tommy in college here in town. Sooo, since we knew we HAD to leave Altus, we put in to be transferred back to McGuire AFB, NJ. We did that with peace in our hearts after much prayer. Honestly, it's where a huge part of our hearts are. A "first love" type of place. The people there know everything about us..the good and the bad...and love us anyway. The church is based on sound doctrine. We soon became thrilled at the prospect of returning "home". (please note that we were NOT unhappy in OK...we were just trying to be accepting of our future)
In the spring of 2008, we took a trip to NJ to find a place for my mom to live and a possible home for us. It was so nice to reunite with so many people who love us. I never quite get over people truly loving me...I am so unlovable. Seriously. But after our trip, we started to feel unsettled in our Spirit. There was a bit of a battle going on inside because we truly did want to do what the Lord wanted us to do but we LOVE our church and church family in NJ and my Jewish godchildren are there as well. It was so difficult but I just prayed and stayed quiet. The Lord gave me liberty to speak my heart to my husband once.
Spring of 2008 was also a time when Tom had just had his 5th knee surgery and he was having horrible trouble with his back. The Air Force medical personnel were not as focused on fixing it as they were getting him back in the jet. I praise the Lord that in spite of this, we were referred to a neurologist in TX. Tom wasn't having just back pain, he was also having fire shoot down his legs and at one point, was having trouble walking up stairs. His physical therapy was not helping him come back like it always had in the past and his neurologist was concerned. After a very painful test, we were given the shock of our lives.....my husband had CIDP. I actually knew what it was because I had given many IV infusions to a lady here in town with the same thing. The news threw everything into slow motion for the next 2 to 3 days. It was like walking in a tunnel. I can hear the door to NJ slowly slam in our faces. More tears. We knew without a shadow of a doubt that we would not be leaving OK. There were times I wanted to scream because I didn't want to leave in the first place, then I accepted that we were going back to NJ and here we were again with our plans changing once more. Let me tell you, we wore our knees out making sure we were hearing HIM right! Tom had also made Master Sergeant...his career goal and a difficult one for him. I had also just gotten my RN and I was so excited about the idea of working my 'dream job" in a heart hospital near the base in NJ. Financially, we were going to be in a place we had only ever dreamt about and never saw coming. But the Lord said, "NO". And we were certain we heard him right. So the wheels were set in motion for Tom to put in for retirement and for us to stay here. Emotionally, we struggled at times but spiritually, we walked in faith, trusting Him and His perfect plans. Yes, seriously. There was such a peace in our decision to put it all down and walk away. The Lord made it clear our home was here in OK still.
Here we were, December of 2008 and at my husband's retirement ceremony without a job prospect in place. We just laughed because to the world we must have seemed ridiculous but we weren't worried. Around the time of his actual retirement date, we got news from the VA that we would receive as much financially as we were receiving when Tom was active duty. That was a blessing and relief because we still had the home we believed the Lord gave us peace to buy....and teenage boys to raise. We were joyful then because our needs would continue to be met...OF COURSE.
(As a side note, a year and a half ago, as we were going to retile our bathroom, a 10 year + plumbing mess appearred before our eyes. Not just one but two bathrooms were in a state of ruin because the prior owners hid a horrible leak from us. It would costs thousands of dollars to fix. We didn't have it. So we both started praying for the Lord to direct us in fixing the bathrooms, keeping in mind my husband had trouble walking at times, let alone fixing a bathroom. HA! Was I ever taught patience! )
August of 2009 my husband receives a phone call from his old workplace on base. They had all spoken up and recommended him for a job with a company that was in contract with the Air Force. After reading the job description, it was like reading a job made just for my husband. It was a "dream job" a "no way would this ever happen to me" kind of job. A "we can fix our bathrooms if I get this job" kind of job. A "we can pay for Tommy's tuition" kind of job. A "Wendy doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to" kind of job. On and on and on. The closer we got to it being a possibility, the more on our knees we went because we have a huge responsibility to be good stewards. The Lord had been dealing with us greatly over the last year about giving in the church. We both see this as all tied together...just one more avenue of the Lord's faithfulness to His promises. We are flesh and we have concerns and we both struggled with the dreaming....with setting plans in motion before ever getting the job. I just kept grinning because I knew, I KNEW the Lord had a different plan for us...one that would not make sense in this falling economy...in this poor area of the country....I knew that whatever He did would stand out because it would be a miracle. Literally.
Tom got the job. We found out last Friday. And the tears, oh the tears. I'm tearing up just typing this because I cannot believe the Lord would give us something so good. That's not to say He isnt' a good God..he is a wonderful Lord...but we are Tom and Wendy....the goofs that never seem to have it together...the sinners who deserve death...the couple who argue at times and have bad attitudes about things. We just don't deserve this good deal. But that's just how it works with the Lord. HE is faithful. He keeps His promises. His peace is real and we experienced that. And His mercies are new every morning. This is our new morning and we want to shout on the rooftops to not only hear His Word but heed it...to stay on your knees and wait. His ways are so much better than our ways. If we had ignored the Holy Spirit over a year ago, my husband could and probably would be in a wheelchair. There would be no opportunity to work but just survive in pain. I cannot fathom....
Please praise the Lord with us over this and pray for us. We want to always and continually stay in His will. Yes, we have plumbing needs, a child in college, and a child driving....debts we were feel convicted about, but we also have missionaries around the world and a church in the middle of a remodeling project and we want HIS direction, not our lusts directing us anywhere.
We are so very thankful for this moment on the mountain.