A New Jesus

Relax. Gods Word is still the same yesterday, today, and forever. And so is He. But my journey changes continually. Keep reading, even through the difficult parts.
Since the day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I dove in head first, never looking back. My life was in such shambles, sometimes I couldn't breathe. Literally.
I was your typical starry eyed newlywed who was clueless. Clue-less. I'm still amazed after all these years that we survived. We were so young. So stupid. So selfish. And walked nowhere near God. Tom, my husband, was my god. I looked to him for everything. E v e r y t h i n g. Poor guy. So not only did I have him on a pedestal, imagine what it felt like when everything I worshipped walked away.
I had a three year old and was pregnant. And now I was alone. I was so incredibly scared that for a fleeting second, I considered abortion. Me. Even when I wasn't a Christian, I treasured life. But that fear takes over every cell. Especially when your god walks away.
Thankfully, I didn't have it in me to abort. I just knew I had to suck it up and raise these two kids the best I knew how. I was fierce. I knew I had one chance to do it right. At least I had that.
Debbie. I'll never ever forget her smile. Her cheerfulness. Her words..."I'm praying for you." She lived across the street and she was trying to reach out. I scoffed. To her face! My words..."at least one of us is because I give up."
Her words, "come to church with me!" My words finally, "I'll come so you'll leave me alone!"
And across base my god was living life doing whatever he wanted. With whomever he wanted.
Church. I pictured fancy pews and a piped in organ. I pictured people sitting up straight with hands folded neatly in their laps. Militant style. Eyes ahead. Don't smile!
But what I found was nothing like that. Folded chairs. Paneled walls. A makeshift platform. Yet for the first time in years, I could breathe. Friendship. Laughter. Music. And the most real Jesus you can imagine. I cried every service for months. I was so new to all this but I was sincere. I was deeply madly in love with this Man Who let me know He was crazy about me. Flaws and all. I was able to set my earthly god, my husband, free. My focus shifted. I stopped begging my god to stay and started begging God to give me strength. And He did.
Thankfully our marriage was reconciled. But his job as my god....my source of happiness...was gone. I was still in love with this Man, Jesus. And during this time I was taught so so much on forgiveness and looking to people's hearts when they hurt you. The foundation was laid that exists today.
Onward we went  to our next duty station. I was still enamoured but life changed. Jesus changed. I learned there are rules to live by in the Christian life and if you don't follow them, you cannot be right with God. If you don't follow them, you are not included in activities because you don't meet standards. It was a very confusing time in my relationship with the Love of my life. It just didn't make sense to me but I followed the rules anyway because I wanted to fit in and fitting in made me feel better about my standing before Jesus. I did everything in my humanity to be the perfect believer. The right clothes, the right music, the right movies, the right activities. And by golly, you would get the crack down if you lived in my house and the rules weren't followed. My poor family. But no reading of Gods Word. I had learned the power in prayer but without Gods Word, nothing in your mind changes. I was a great rule follower, though!
Then to our final duty station. . We ended up learning so much about grace here. How to love people. To truly love them where they are and walking alongside them as they grow in God. Loving them when they don't follow all the rules. Teaching them truth but never ever walking away from them. There lies more foundation for who I am today. In my heart,this is reflective of Who Jesus is.
Some would ignorantly say we were good people. We did everything right and we did it sincerely. We never felt perfect but we felt empowered by our own morality. We started to equate morality with relationship. The gooder we were, the more He loved us. I was still so in love with this Man, Jesus. At this point, I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm praying every day, I attend church when the doors are open, I tell others about Jesus, and I'm serving in many ministries.
Then Bam! My worst nightmare happens. Literally. I'm brought to my knees, literally. If you can imagine a room spinning around you in slow motion and the walls crumbling down, that was that
moment. It hurt to breathe. Where was my Jesus now? At this point, I knew He was good. I knew He was sovereign. I knew He was a Promisekeeper and a Mountain mover. Someone in the church hurt my family in what my mind perceived in the worst possible way.
Now what? I was broken. My family struggled to just attend church. But the Cross. It was the Light at the end of the tunnel called life. Counseling. Forgiveness. Gods Word. Renewal. And in spite of this terrible sin, He loved me. He loved the person who hurt us. Not the sin. Never our sin. But Hes still crazy about each of us. Even when we beg for strength to remain steadfast. Even when staying put feels impossible. It was that moment that Jesus became different. He held me in His hands, every broken piece, and loved me. He showed me through this that every person is broken. In spite of our morality. In spite of our rules. In spite of looking the part, the ties, suits, etc. In spite doing all the right stuff, life stinks. He showed me true love yet again. And He gave me new eyes.
New eyes to see the brokenness of humanity. No matter how much you smile and serve and do all the right stuff...I know you are broken as well. Jesus tore every wall down. No more hypocrisy. Just repentence. No more rules but doing the best I can in a sin sick culture that scoffs at this Great Love. I'm no longer fooled and Jesus never was.
My heart now is to just be real. I see His great love for the rapist, the pedophile, the homosexual, the cheater, the hooker, the murderer, on and on. It's called Grace. Nobody deserves it. Nobody earns it. And I'm on the same playing field as them all.