A New Jesus

Relax. Gods Word is still the same yesterday, today, and forever. And so is He. But my journey changes continually. Keep reading, even through the difficult parts.
Since the day I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I dove in head first, never looking back. My life was in such shambles, sometimes I couldn't breathe. Literally.
I was your typical starry eyed newlywed who was clueless. Clue-less. I'm still amazed after all these years that we survived. We were so young. So stupid. So selfish. And walked nowhere near God. Tom, my husband, was my god. I looked to him for everything. E v e r y t h i n g. Poor guy. So not only did I have him on a pedestal, imagine what it felt like when everything I worshipped walked away.
I had a three year old and was pregnant. And now I was alone. I was so incredibly scared that for a fleeting second, I considered abortion. Me. Even when I wasn't a Christian, I treasured life. But that fear takes over every cell. Especially when your god walks away.
Thankfully, I didn't have it in me to abort. I just knew I had to suck it up and raise these two kids the best I knew how. I was fierce. I knew I had one chance to do it right. At least I had that.
Debbie. I'll never ever forget her smile. Her cheerfulness. Her words..."I'm praying for you." She lived across the street and she was trying to reach out. I scoffed. To her face! My words..."at least one of us is because I give up."
Her words, "come to church with me!" My words finally, "I'll come so you'll leave me alone!"
And across base my god was living life doing whatever he wanted. With whomever he wanted.
Church. I pictured fancy pews and a piped in organ. I pictured people sitting up straight with hands folded neatly in their laps. Militant style. Eyes ahead. Don't smile!
But what I found was nothing like that. Folded chairs. Paneled walls. A makeshift platform. Yet for the first time in years, I could breathe. Friendship. Laughter. Music. And the most real Jesus you can imagine. I cried every service for months. I was so new to all this but I was sincere. I was deeply madly in love with this Man Who let me know He was crazy about me. Flaws and all. I was able to set my earthly god, my husband, free. My focus shifted. I stopped begging my god to stay and started begging God to give me strength. And He did.
Thankfully our marriage was reconciled. But his job as my god....my source of happiness...was gone. I was still in love with this Man, Jesus. And during this time I was taught so so much on forgiveness and looking to people's hearts when they hurt you. The foundation was laid that exists today.
Onward we went  to our next duty station. I was still enamoured but life changed. Jesus changed. I learned there are rules to live by in the Christian life and if you don't follow them, you cannot be right with God. If you don't follow them, you are not included in activities because you don't meet standards. It was a very confusing time in my relationship with the Love of my life. It just didn't make sense to me but I followed the rules anyway because I wanted to fit in and fitting in made me feel better about my standing before Jesus. I did everything in my humanity to be the perfect believer. The right clothes, the right music, the right movies, the right activities. And by golly, you would get the crack down if you lived in my house and the rules weren't followed. My poor family. But no reading of Gods Word. I had learned the power in prayer but without Gods Word, nothing in your mind changes. I was a great rule follower, though!
Then to our final duty station. . We ended up learning so much about grace here. How to love people. To truly love them where they are and walking alongside them as they grow in God. Loving them when they don't follow all the rules. Teaching them truth but never ever walking away from them. There lies more foundation for who I am today. In my heart,this is reflective of Who Jesus is.
Some would ignorantly say we were good people. We did everything right and we did it sincerely. We never felt perfect but we felt empowered by our own morality. We started to equate morality with relationship. The gooder we were, the more He loved us. I was still so in love with this Man, Jesus. At this point, I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm praying every day, I attend church when the doors are open, I tell others about Jesus, and I'm serving in many ministries.
Then Bam! My worst nightmare happens. Literally. I'm brought to my knees, literally. If you can imagine a room spinning around you in slow motion and the walls crumbling down, that was that
moment. It hurt to breathe. Where was my Jesus now? At this point, I knew He was good. I knew He was sovereign. I knew He was a Promisekeeper and a Mountain mover. Someone in the church hurt my family in what my mind perceived in the worst possible way.
Now what? I was broken. My family struggled to just attend church. But the Cross. It was the Light at the end of the tunnel called life. Counseling. Forgiveness. Gods Word. Renewal. And in spite of this terrible sin, He loved me. He loved the person who hurt us. Not the sin. Never our sin. But Hes still crazy about each of us. Even when we beg for strength to remain steadfast. Even when staying put feels impossible. It was that moment that Jesus became different. He held me in His hands, every broken piece, and loved me. He showed me through this that every person is broken. In spite of our morality. In spite of our rules. In spite of looking the part, the ties, suits, etc. In spite doing all the right stuff, life stinks. He showed me true love yet again. And He gave me new eyes.
New eyes to see the brokenness of humanity. No matter how much you smile and serve and do all the right stuff...I know you are broken as well. Jesus tore every wall down. No more hypocrisy. Just repentence. No more rules but doing the best I can in a sin sick culture that scoffs at this Great Love. I'm no longer fooled and Jesus never was.
My heart now is to just be real. I see His great love for the rapist, the pedophile, the homosexual, the cheater, the hooker, the murderer, on and on. It's called Grace. Nobody deserves it. Nobody earns it. And I'm on the same playing field as them all.

Glorious Unfoldng

    I've spent so much of my time trying to convince myself and others that I'm good...I've got it altogether because somehow I equated failure to making Jesus look bad. Except one Truth. I don't define Who Jesus is one bit. It's Jesus Who defines me.

     It's only recently that I've been set free from the myriad of emotions I would feel day to day. I understand through various teachings of Gods Word that my emotions are not sinful. As a matter of fact, God created us as emotional beings. I've spent much time in prayer asking forgiveness for feeling. Now I realize I was apologizing for something I had no control over. 

     However, my reaction is what has the potential to be sinful. Be angry and sin not. Guard your heart with all diligence because out of it are the issues of life. Those are Bible verses. It even says they that sow in tears shall reap in joy. It's ok to cry! 

     So I was crying today. I do that more lately because it's ok. God doesn't love me less. And I'm a lot less stressed because tears release endorphins...the feel good hormone in our body. And it was the almost ugly cry. The sobbing cry where you're thankful nobody can hear you and that your windows are tinted. 

     I'm ok, by the way. I'm struggling with a few things...how my life is redefining my purpose and role. And I don't always like it. Today it hurt as I started thinking of my grown children and imagining them in their uniforms. One a police officer whose life is on the line daily. I miss his voice and his laugh. Then his brother, such a proud new airman in our Air Force. I miss his friendship. They both have a crazy grace for me. But life. One is in Texas and one is in Oklahoma. And they're not coming home to live. That reality often takes my breath away, almost literally. I try so hard not to even go there but today it happened so fast and before you know it, I'm pulling into Starbucks a snotty mess. 

     Then God. He whispers to me in such a profound way. His voice and presence is so much more clear when we are hurting and needy. He gave me a song. The tears turned to hope and rejoicing. I had a praise moment as true hope unfolded in my thoughts. 

     He's not done with me. I was never that mom who couldn't wait for her kids to leave. I prayed for them a lot and trusted them to God. And now they truly reside in His hands, my mothering role has
come to an end. They still include me in their lives, thankfully. But I'm done raising them. 

     So now what? In steps faith because I don't know. I'm feeling lost. And undefined. 

     Then comes the perfect song. Glorious Unfolding by SCC. "Cause I know this is not like anything you thought, your life was going to be.......there's so much more of this story to unfold." BAM! Truth! He's not done with me yet! "So hold onto every promise God has made to us....and watch this glorious unfolding."
     He has a plan! That's all I needed for my tears to turn to joy. 

Unholy boldness

It seems there is a trend amongst Christians and I've seen many broken hearts over it. I would like to believe they are well meaning while spewing unthoughtful opinions towards fellow believers. But often these opinions are so unscriptural in five different ways, I see nothing good connected to them. I've wiped the tears of many young new Christians confused by what they perceive as hate. Thankfully I've seen many seasoned believers be the target but grace. But grace allows forgiveness. It doesn't take away our human ability to feel hurt and confused. Sad to say, my reality is it makes me angry. This unholy boldness does not represent my Jesus well at all. And whether we like it or not, we are often the only Jesus some people see.
So then what? May I suggest praying and knowing Gods Word? Ephesians 4:29 taught me years ago, how powerful our words are to the ears of others. It tells us to minister grace unto the hearer. Nowhere does it say to tell em like it is. Nowhere does it give us permission to condemn others. Even Jesus, Creator of the Universe, came not to condemn but to save the world. I'm not referring to intimate conversations that are used to cultivate relationships, but off the cuff remarks to others one may not even know. Bold opinions posted in social media. Over and over, more and more I'm witnessing this.
Pray. Ask the Lord if He's ok with you sharing what you are about to say. I cannot tell you how many times I've deleted something or not shared it because I didn't have peace. It didn't line up with ministering grace.
Try a new practice. And it's not easy but the outcome is so fun, it becomes addictive. Encourage. Compliment. Find one thing good and express it. There are times it will be against every bone in you, but remember ministering grace.
A new saved woman comes to church in pants and you think ladies should only wear skirts ever, let alone to church. Tell her how pretty the color of her top is or how you love her matching earrings. Let God, through our precious Holy Spirit, teach and convict. (I'm just thrilled for people to come. Wear pajamas for all I care.)
In my early years of attending church, a young man I had been praying for got saved. I was so thrilled! He wore earrings and sported many tattoos. He came to church the next Sunday but I witnessed something horrific that forever shaped me. The pastor went up to this excited new baby in Christ and asked, " what's this?", pointing to his earring. That new babe never returned. Ever. His face fell and hurt was written everywhere.
I have story after story. I have lived story after story. So I love grace. There are never regrets in slathering grace all over the place. The addiction? Their smile. The sparkle in their eye or spring in their step. The bridge you just built to a new relationship and the possibility to mentor. The beauty in this new creature. So instead of unholy boldness, try Christ-like grace. Now that's scriptural!

Nothing in Moderation

One of my so obvious flaws is my inability to be mediocre. Ive seen it since I was in 6th grade and all I cared about in 4H was being President. Captain of my Jr High Volleyball team.  I saw it in high school. I went straight for Drum Major and did that in two different schools. Newspaper Editor. In the Air Force, I always had to be top of everything starting in basic training. Nursing school was no different. Top of my LPN class and graduating RN school with honors. Serving in church became my everything since I joined my first one in 1994. Relationships. Every single one had to be perfect or I fell into a dark place over it.
It refers to sin as well. I cannot have just one drink. I've never been able to have one alcoholic drink. I have to drink until I pass out. I wasn't even a believer when I saw a dark path that held nothing good for my future so I walked away. Gambling. Just one more time. I swear I'm missing a switch in my brain. Social Media. I had and still have very good godly intentions. But literally hours later, after I've connected with this person or that person, I take a breath and that time is gone.
See, there's an in between...an acceptable mediocrity, where I've missed out on some good stuff. In 4H, I could've learned so much but I didn't do one project. In nursing school especially, there are many hours I can never retrieve that I didn't spend with my family, who are now grown. I literally lived and breathed study material. For what? A certificate? A special colored sash? It doesn't define my nursing today. My photography. I shoved a camera in many faces so nothing was missed. But I was so busy capturing each memory, I didn't absorb any of my own.
This drive in my brain has also affected so many relationships and I see that it's trickled down to my boys who are just like me. Driven. Goal oriented. No matter what. My poor husband. I'm only now, after 26 years, allowing him to just be. Let him be who God designed him to be, not Wendy. Praying for him sincerely, not in a tattle tale spirit.
But souls. Lives. Discipleship. Grace.
So I'm stepping back. I need to write. God put that in me many years ago. And I need to encourage others in Him. This blog is a perfect compromise for now.
I've had many suggest I limit my FB time. I don't know how. God knows my heart for the relationships on there so my prayer is while I step away, He will continue to mold me. That He will renew my mind to slow down and do all the in between. That one day I can check in once in awhile and it will be enough. For now, my prayer is Romans 12:2. That I become transformed by the renewing of my mind. God is certainly able and I am willing.

Facebook No More

Ive been participating in social media since the days of My Space because I saw it as a fantastic useful way to share Who Jesus is around the world, without leaving my couch. Then along comes Facebook and in 2008, I jumped on board. 7 years later, and over 1700 FB friends later, I cringe at the thought of how many wasted hours of my life are gone, that can never be gotten back. Day after day, it would often be the first place I would go in the morning and the last place before bed. For seven years! I prayerfully made FB a good thing...a godly place people could be themselves and let me love on them, encourage them, and pray for them. I never held back Truth nor Love. I wanted to shout His amazing grace to the world by sharing salvation through the shed blood of Jesus.
About 2 to 3 months ago, I was introduced to the world of podcasts. I found some radio preachers I've listened to over the years and other acquaintances and I stream them into my car, all day, day after day, while I drive to my patients homes. That's Gods Word, day in and day out. That's what I love about His Word, you don't stay planted where you are long. My heart started becoming uneasy at the time I would waste on FB. I tracked easily, 4 to 6 hours in a 24 hour period. I have no children at home and my house stays fairly clean so I have a lot of free time.  I kept going back to not wanting to walk away from those I love. I love sharing my thoughts and devos when He gave me the go ahead. I loved knowing I could encourage people with the same Word that was growing and encouraging me.
But time is a one way street. There are no U turns. And there is so much to do out there. There = lost souls, broken hearts, struggling marriages, divorce, orphans, widows, and homeless and so much more. We could condense it and say there = life.
So three days ago, with a deep breath, I deactivated my Facebook and started to understand the life of addiction. Facebook was also my crack and my struggle every few minutes the first day, was proof I needed to walk away. I basically used it as a time to pray. When I would want to reach for my phone, I would talk to God instead. I also kept seeking God on what's next for me and He is faithful. He's laid on my heart to move more and start walking in the mornings. I love sharing Him with others and my mind has not shut that down. Then this morning, it came to me. Blogging. My voice could still be heard. His love and grace can still be conveyed. And I'm redeeming the time wisely.
I have so much more of who I am to share and it's important only because once upon a time, I unwisely believed my salvation placed me higher than others. 21 years later, it has gotten real. I'm such a mess. Day in and day out. Broken. Scarred. Shamed by a past God doesn't even see anymore.  So is everyone else. Every single person. Yet many don't realize broken can be beautiful. Through my cracked pot, He shines. His promises ring true.
I hope you will continue to share in my life through my blog. It's about to get real. It's about to be painful. But it's about to be beautiful because I have the Glue and grace that keeps putting me back together. Your life is beautiful too. You just need a new set of eyes to see it.